Parking Lot War

I'm watching The Graduate on TCM (can't sleep) ...

"Ben, I just want to say one word to you, just one word ... plastics, there is a great future in plastics. Will you think about it?"

"Yes sir, I will ..."

Below are seven people who turn every parking lot into a war zone:

Everybody has their own opinion on shopping. Some love it, some hate it, some prefer to forego the entire process in favor of shoplifting. But no matter what your individual opinion on shopping may be, there's one thing we can surely all agree on ... the parking lot is the worst place on earth.
It shouldn't be that way. A parking lot is just a place to leave your vehicle. Without it, we'd be whipping our SUVs and smart cars around the aisles of Walmart like a bunch of bargain hunting Mad Max extras. It should be so simple. Just park your shit, get out and go about your business. But nothing is ever that easy. There are always those bad apples who mess things up for the rest of us, and that's especially true in the parking lot.

# 7 - The Driving Lane Anarchist

The Driving Lane Anarchist is that person who ignores any yellow lines or arrows painted on the ground in favor of just flying around the parking lot as if rules of the road no longer exist when a trip to Target is involved.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
How many times have you been driving through a parking lot in strict accordance with all of those yellow lines and arrows and signs when, out of nowhere, some maniac comes flying at you from a northeasterly direction and nearly rams you into the shopping cart holding pen or whatever that contraption is called? It's a situation that's equal parts infuriating and terrifying. The worst part, if you somehow impede this lunatic's progress or force them to slow down a bit, is that they mean-mug you as if you just cut them off from making their exit on a busy freeway. And if they aren't flying in from the periphery, they're driving the wrong way down a lane that's clearly marked with an arrow pointing in the other direction. This is how drunk drivers kill children on the interstate, but for some reason nobody has any second thoughts about driving the wrong way in a parking lot. Like I said, total anarchy.
What You Should Do About It:
This is a tough one, because honestly, what can you do about it? The answer to that question hinges on how confident you are in your auto insurance and how far you're willing to go to prove a point. Because there's not a competent driver among us who wouldn't like to intentionally get into an accident with this person, if for no other reason than to sue them to the point that no insurance company would clear them to drive ever again. But how much of a hassle would that be? So instead, we just let that shit happen and scream profanities that nobody can hear. It's the very definition of injustice.

# 6 - The Diagonal Walker

Even if you didn't previously realize you hate these people, I trust that you do now.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
Listen, assholes, the quickest route from Point A to Point B is a straight line. By laughing in the face of this universally accepted fact, you're ensuring that the person waiting for you to cross spends an extra 30 seconds or so screaming at you from behind the wheel of a ton of metal that could kill you with nothing more than a quick push on the gas pedal. And that's exactly what that driver is thinking of doing when you waddle your cart full of Cheetos and pot pies in front of them. By moving diagonally, you are literally standing in the way of other people's progress for the entirety of your journey. That's some bullshit.
What You Should Do About It:
The solution here is pretty simple. Just inch your vehicle forward in direct proportion to the Diagonal Walker's movements. For every second they spend taking a nonsensical route to their vehicle, you spend that same second moving ever closer to, at the very least, ramming them in the back of the knee with your bumper. The threat of being mowed down by a vehicle that they have no reason to be standing in front of is usually enough provocation to get them to get lateral like the Lord intended people in parking lots to do.

# 5 - The Family Band

The Family Band is a family of four or more who, instead of walking in a single-file line down the parking lot lane you're trying to navigate, choose to walk side by side like the Partridge Family on their way to a show at SeaWorld, thereby preventing any cars from passing them.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
Hey, parents of the world, tell me something I've been dying to know for quite a while now: When it comes time to go grocery shopping, what is the harm in just one parent going to the store and the other staying home with your misbehaved clan of hellions? Is it really necessary to haul all six of your mistakes along with you?
It is, you say? Well, I don't believe you. But whatever, let me ask you another question: If you must haul the kids along, please, by all means, tell me how having your 3-year-old lined up on the outside like an NFL receiver in the spread formation in the middle of a busy parking lot amounts to anything resembling good parenting?
Are you trying to get your child killed? Because I'm not going to do it, and nobody else will either, hopefully. But we will follow along slowly in our car silently wishing you were all dead and therefore not in a position to turn what should have been a quick jaunt to the supermarket into an exercise in anger management.
What You Should Do About It:
Honk. That's it. Just honk. Why? Because it will scare the ever-loving shit out of the Family Band's children, and scaring people is funny. And funny, in turn, is good for the soul. Turn that aggravation into a lighthearted situation that adds a few years to your life through the magic of therapeutic laughter.
And before you go feeling bad about terrifying children, understand this ... if they didn't have such shitty parents, they wouldn't be in a position that allows you to scare them so easily in the first place. So you get some much needed laughter, and the parents get a lesson in good child rearing. Everybody wins.

# 4 - The Paranoid

There are probably several names for it, but in this case the Paranoid is that asshole or assholette who parks their Camaro or whatever other obnoxious vehicle of their choosing at an angle that ensures nobody else can park in any space near them. This usually happens because they're so proud of the pristine condition of their car that they can't stomach the thought of the unwashed masses coming near it.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
If you need me to tell you why this needs to be stopped, then clearly you are one of these people.
What You Should Do About It:
There's only one thing to do when faced with a Parking Lot Paranoid ... key the shit out of their car. It will make you feel better and will teach the offender a valuable lesson. That lesson being, of course, that parking like a dipshit will result in someone keying the shit out of your car.

# 3 - The Cart Bearer
This is the person who returns to their vehicle with a cart full of purchases, loads those purchases into their car and then leaves the cart sitting right in the middle of a perfectly good parking space.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
You probably think I'm going to say this needs to be stopped because they're robbing hardworking men and women of valuable hassle-free parking spaces. And you're right, I'm totally saying that.
But there's something else. Have you ever stopped to take a look at the person who gets tasked with rounding up stray carts in the parking lot? Even more importantly, have you ever talked to them? If you had, you would know that, nine out of 10 times, it's the "developmentally challenged" person who gets tasked with that horseshit job. And don't howl, you know every grocery or department store employs at least one. It's the law, probably.
So leaving your cart in a parking spot instead of moving it to the cart corral (maybe that's what it's called) amounts to abuse of the handicapped. Why would you do that, you monster?
Also, move your shit so the rest of us can park.
What You Should Do About It:
Usually, by the time you realize that this particular transgression has occurred, there isn't much at all you can do other than move the cart and take your parking spot. That's what makes their crime so heinous. They vanish into the night before anyone has a chance to hand them the swift justice they deserve. Even if you do see it happening, the hooligan will already be in their car and backing out of the parking space by the time you can act. And understand, if they're already exhibiting the kind of blatant disregard for their fellow man that this display of parking requires, they will have no qualms about just backing over you if you decide to play the hero and jump behind their car in an attempt to block them in and lecture them on their bullshit.
Unless you can somehow fit that cart into your trunk fast enough to follow that person home, at which point you chuck said cart through their living room window, it's best to just take the loss here.

# 2 - The Parking Spot Stalker

The Parking Spot Stalker is a driver who, upon seeing you walking toward your car in a crowded parking lot, follows behind you at a super-creepy speed of about 1.4 mph in an effort to get your soon-to-be-vacant parking spot before anyone else.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
While I understand the logic employed by the Parking Spot Stalker, there is an unsettling gray area when it comes to their actions. If you're a woman being followed by a slow-moving vehicle, it usually means you're about to bolster your city's sexual assault statistics. If you're a dude, you're probably just more concerned about garden variety armed robbery. Either way, there are really no good options there. So, to the Parking Spot Stalker's credit, at least they're not out raping and robbing innocent shoppers.
What You Should Do About It:
The key to thwarting a parking lot stalker is misdirection. Instead of getting angry, have some fun with the situation and see how long you can get them to follow you. When you reach your car, just keep on walking. Maybe go to the end of one lane, cross over into another and start walking in the opposite direction. See how many laps you can take with them hot on your heels.
If you hear them start to accelerate like they're giving up, immediately head for the driver's side door of the nearest vehicle. When they slam on their brakes, start walking again.
Repeat this process until they finally drive away in frustration or settle for a lesser parking spot. If you're in especially good shape, maybe consider chasing them for good measure when they finally pull off. What could it hurt?

# 1 - The Parking Spot Rusher

A close relative of the Parking Spot Stalker, the Parking Spot Rusher will creep their way around a jam-packed parking lot looking for people who appear to be getting into or have just gotten into their vehicle. When they find one, they wait for that person to start their car and pull out so they can overtake the newly vacant parking spot.

Why They Must Be Stopped:
Listen, nobody cares about your need to find a suitable parking spot when they're trying to strap an unruly kid in and load two weeks' worth of groceries into the trunk of a car. That entire process is stressful enough without you lurking in the background like Ted Bundy staking out a sorority house.

What You Should Do About It:
If someone is sitting in their running vehicle impatiently waiting for you to leave, by no means should you make it a stress-free wait for them. In fact, go out of your way to make it appear as if there is no good reason for you to still be in that parking spot. Don't adjust your mirrors, don't fish around on the floor for that Spin Doctors CD you should be ashamed to own but aren't ... basically, don't do anything. Just sit there like an asshole, just like the person hoping to get your parking spot is doing.
If for some reason your assailant is brave enough to walk up to your car and ask if you're leaving soon, tell them you're waiting on someone. When they walk back to their car to leave, wait until they get just far enough to not be blocking you in and then back out of the parking spot. They'll see you in the rearview mirror and want to kill you, of course, but they'll be far too focused on getting back to that parking spot before someone else can take it from them to actually act on that anger.
So then you wait, idling at such an angle so as to block anyone else from pulling in without some assistance from you. If another more reasonable driver shows up, yield the parking space to them. If the Parking Spot Rusher makes it back around, though, pull back in to that spot and take a nap if you have to. Whatever it takes, don't give this person your parking spot.

Is it an even more petty response to an already petty situation? Yes, it is. Everything I've proposed in this column is petty. But admit it, after reading this, you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't at least try some of this stuff out the next time you're assaulted with douchebaggery in a parking lot.