Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Oscar Wilde's prison sentence

The first time Oscar Wilde saw the inside of a prison, it was 1882 — thirteen years before he’d serve the famous criminal sentence that produced De Profundis, his 55,000-word letter to his lover Lord Alfred Douglas. Financially pressed and known primarily as a public speaker — by then he had only published a thin volume of poems — he’d committed to a nine-month lecture tour of America. During his stop in Lincoln, Nebraska, he and the young literature professor George Woodberry were taken to visit the local penitentiary. The warden led them into a yard where, Wilde later wrote the suffragist journalist Helena Sickert, they were confronted by “poor odd types of humanity in striped dresses making bricks in the sun.” All the faces he glimpsed, he remarked with relief, “were mean-looking, which consoled me, for I should hate to see a criminal with a noble face.”

By 1889, Wilde’s judgments about prison had become less snobbish, if no less flippant. Reviewing a volume of poetry by Wilfred Blunt “composed in the bleak cell of Galway Gaol,” he agreed with the book’s author that “an unjust imprisonment for a noble cause strengthens as well as deepens the nature.” And yet the idea that prison was basically common, a strengthening exercise for the lower classes, still attracted him as a dark, wicked opportunity to conflate the awful with the trivial. As late as 1894, he could have the mischievous, debt-ridden Algernon insist midway through The Importance of Being Earnest that “I am really not going to be imprisoned in the suburbs for dining in the West End.” When Algernon hears from a threatening solicitor that “the gaol itself is fashionable and well-aired; and there are ample opportunities of taking exercise at certain stated hours of the day,” he answers indignantly: “Exercise! Good God! No gentleman ever takes exercise.” 


Early in De Profundis, Wilde admiringly quotes his old Oxford don Walter Pater to the effect that “failure is to form habits,” and his own class snobberies were appropriately inconstant and unpredictable. Fastidious in his own dress and decorative taste, he could be ruthless at sizing up a person’s cultural capital. (“My heart was turned by the eyes of the doomed man,” he is said to have quipped after asking one of the death-row inmates in Nebraska about his reading habits, “but if he reads The Heir of Redclyffe it’s perhaps as well to let the law take its course.”) At points in De Profundis, he presents his association with young, working-class male prostitutes as a kind of moral and creative lapse, a bout of slumming that distracted him from the free practice of his art: “I let myself be lured into long spells of senseless and sensual ease … I surrounded myself with the smaller natures and meaner minds.”

And yet elsewhere, he casts himself as a Christ figure condemned by “the British Philistine” for the same reason the Pharisees condemned Jesus: fraternizing with the allegedly disreputable and low. “Christ mocked at the ‘whited sepulchre’ of respectability,” Wilde writes in the long dissertation on the gospels, two-thirds of the way through De Profundis. “He treated worldly success as a thing absolutely to be despised … He looked on wealth as an encumbrance to a man.” If Wilde’s habit of taking handsome grooms and valets to dine at expensive, discerning restaurants was a way of indulging in “sensual ease,” it was just his way of affronting — as he claims Christ affronted —“ the tedious formalisms so dear to the middle-class mind.” His, he would maintain in certain moods, was a mind of such nobility as to be free of petty class prejudices. No doubt the irony of mobilizing Victorian England’s fine-grained class rhetoric in defense of what the court called his “acts of gross indecency with other men persons” was not lost on Wilde. “I did not know it,” Wilde replied during one of his trials when asked if he knew what common jobs the brothers Charles and William Parker worked, “but if I had I should not have cared. I didn’t care twopence what they were. I liked them. I have a passion to civilize the community.”

Wilde may have considered working-class male escorts like the Parkers noble enough to civilize the community, but his closest romantic associations were with fellow artists and intellectuals. For the full decade leading up to his trial, condemnation, and two-year imprisonment for “gross indecency,” he was the center of gravity for a handful of figures who shone brightly in their own right. The art critic Robert Ross, who became Wilde’s first literary executor and one of his few stalwart lifelong friends; the poet John Gray, whose verse output arguably outranks Wilde’s own; and the feckless, alluring, hot-tempered Douglas all campaigned to be accepted as gay men with a consistency and directness that Wilde never entirely matched. When he spoke about what Douglas famously called “the love that dare not speak its name,” it was often in parables and fairy stories, the tone of which he’d soaked up from his Irish parents’ artistic interest in their country’s folklore. When he defended the love in question, it was usually in its idealized, chaste Platonic form. (“It is beautiful, it is fine, it is the noblest form of affection,” he insisted during a rousing speech in his first trial.) When he reflected cryptically on it in a 1886 letter to his young companion Harry Marillier, it was in a resoundingly ambivalent, searching key:

"You too have the love of things impossible … Sometime you will find, even as I have found, that there is no such thing as a romantic experience; there are romantic memories, and there is the desire of romance — that is all … And, strangely enough, what comes of all this is a curious mixture of ardour and indifference. I myself would sacrifice everything for a new experience, and I know there is no such thing as a new experience at all. I think I would more readily die for what I do not believe in than what I hold to be true. I would go to the stake for a sensation and be a skeptic to the last!"

In those lines, you can hear Wilde discovering a tone far from the snide, pithy one on which he relied in Nebraska. It would eventually become the tone of De Profundis.

To say that imprisonment helped Wilde develop that tone would be to make the same mistake that Wilde himself made about Wilfred Blunt. Certain passages in De Profundis do seem to credit prison with strengthening and deepening their author’s nature, but only to the extent that, by subjecting him to intolerable, constant misery, it gave him something against which to muster all his creative energies and all his verbal powers. “The important thing,” he writes himself telling Douglas at one of the letter’s turning points, “the thing that lies before me, the thing that I have to do, or be for the brief remainder of my days one maimed, marred and incomplete, is to absorb into my nature all that has been done to me, to make it part of me, to accept it without complaint, fear or reluctance.”

Wilde wrote De Profundis between January and March of 1897, near the end of his internment in Reading prison. His health had improved slightly since his early time in Pentonville, where he suffered miserably from dysentery and malnutrition. Sentenced to hard labor but ruled too weak for truly back-breaking work, he’d initially been ordered to pick oakum — a mind-numbing job involving the unraveling of rope into strands — alone in his cell. After his transfer to Reading, he was put in charge of distributing books from the prison’s limited library. When he eventually won the right to compose a letter in his cell, it was with the stipulation that each day’s pages be collected at nightfall. (Wilde only had occasional chances to read over the manuscript in full.) These odd restrictions suggest why so many thoughts and phrases —“ the supreme vice is shallowness” — recur unchanged throughout De Profundis, but Wilde’s goal was clearly to produce a text that could transcend the circumstances of its production. “As for the corrections and errata,” he writes near the end of the letter in reference to the many edits he made once he had a chance to revise it,

"I have made them in order that my words should be an absolute expression of my thoughts … Language requires to be tuned, like a violin; and just as too many or too few vibrations in the voice of the singer or the trembling of the string will make the note false, so too much or too little in words will spoil the message."

At first glance, De Profundis can seem anything but tuned. It is petulant, vindictive, bathetic, indulgent, excessive, florid, massively arrogant, self-pitying, repetitive, showy, sentimental, and shrill, particularly in its first half: a sixty-some-page rebuke directed at Douglas for matching Wilde’s loving devotion (and financial extravagance) with cruelty and indifference. It’s also one of the glories of English prose. Wilde had spent horrible months earlier in his sentence reading Dante and the gospels, and the voice he created on the page in De Profundis was Biblically robust, propulsive, resonant, and rich. Five years after Wilde’s early death, his friend Max Beerbohm marveled in the pages of Vanity Fair that in De Profundis one does not seem to be reading a written thing. And yet the long, elaborate sentences that fill the letter announce themselves as the products of a strenuous effort to find just the right string of words for their subject — a search for, as Wilde puts it, “that mode of existence in which soul and body are one and indivisible: in which the outward is expressive of the inward: in which Form reveals.”

In his earlier work, from the 1889 philosophical dialogue The Decay of Lying to The Importance of Being Earnest, Wilde treated deception and imposture as virtues. Now he was after a language that would directly embody — in its terse contractions and luxuriant expansions, in its roiling internal rhythms and hard stops, in the music that could result from pairing pithy sentences with intricate ones and setting heavy words against their light counterparts — the turbulent emotional states it described. Early in De Profundis, Wilde remarked that Douglas’s influence over him was “the triumph of the smaller nature over the bigger nature.” One way to read the book is as Wilde’s effort to prove his nobility — his largeness of spirit relative to both the Victorian philistines who sentenced him and the “meaner” young men with whom he spent some of his nights — by creating a voice powerful enough to carry out the triumph on the page he’d failed to carry out over Douglas.

Another, more charitable way to read De Profundis would be to take seriously what Wilde identifies as his own hopes for it. “Perhaps,” he wonders late in the letter,

"There may come into my art also, no less than into my life, a still deeper note, one of greater unity of passion, and directness of impulse. Not width but intensity is the true aim of modern art. We are no longer in art concerned with the type. It is with the exception we have to do. I cannot put my sufferings into any form they took, I need hardly say. Art only begins where Imitation ends. But something must come into my work, of fuller harmony of words perhaps, of richer cadences, of more curious color-effects, of simpler architectural-order, of some aesthetic quality at any rate."

Reading those lines recently, the voice I heard sounded jarringly like Emerson, whom Wilde quotes at one juncture of De Profundis and whose tone I started to hear him channeling throughout the letter. Wilde shares Emerson’s love of epigrammatic sayings. (“Our very dress makes us grotesque. We are zanies of sorrow.”) But he also shares the American writer’s habit of arranging conflicting sentiments in close proximity to one another, his morbid fixation on matters of doom and fate, and his way of creating sentences in which the underlying ground always seems to be shifting dangerously under the reader’s feet.

Prison, it might be fair to say, demanded this sort of writing from Wilde. It forced him to change out the voice of a snobbish aesthete for that of a survivor, that of a sufferer, that of a jilted lover, that of a prophet, and — another Emersonian voice — that of an educator. “You came to me to learn the Pleasure of Life and the Pleasure of Art,” Wilde tells Douglas in the letter’s lovestruck last sentence. “Perhaps I am chosen to teach you something much more wonderful, the meaning of Sorrow, and its beauty.”

After De Profundis, Wilde published only the long poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol and two letters to the Daily Chronicle advocating for specific reforms designed to mitigate the “cruelties of prison life.” He died at forty-six, broke, despondent, and—at the last minute—baptized. He had lived extravagantly, suffered greatly, defended his wounded pride to the end, and hit, in De Profundis, upon a lavish, full harmony of words.

5 ways to lower blood pressure

1. Lose extra pounds and watch your waistline

Blood pressure often increases as weight increases. Being overweight also can cause disrupted breathing while you sleep (sleep apnea), which further raises your blood pressure.

Weight loss is one of the most effective lifestyle changes for controlling blood pressure. Losing just 10 pounds (4.5 kilograms) can help reduce your blood pressure.

Besides shedding pounds, you generally should also keep an eye on your waistline. Carrying too much weight around your waist can put you at greater risk of high blood pressure.

In general:

Men are at risk if their waist measurement is greater than 40 inches (102 centimeters).

Women are at risk if their waist measurement is greater than 35 inches (89 centimeters).

2. Exercise regularly

Regular physical activity — at least 30 minutes most days of the week — can lower your blood pressure by 4 to 9 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg). It's important to be consistent because if you stop exercising, your blood pressure can rise again.

If you have slightly high blood pressure (prehypertension), exercise can help you avoid developing full-blown hypertension. If you already have hypertension, regular physical activity can bring your blood pressure down to safer levels.

The best types of exercise for lowering blood pressure include walking, jogging, cycling, swimming or dancing. Strength training also can help reduce blood pressure.

3. Eat a healthy diet

Eating a diet that is rich in whole grains, fruits, vegetables and low-fat dairy products and skimps on saturated fat and cholesterol can lower your blood pressure by up to 14 mm Hg. This eating plan is known as the Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension (DASH) diet.

It isn't easy to change your eating habits, but with these tips, you can adopt a healthy diet:

Keep a food diary. Writing down what you eat, even for just a week, can shed surprising light on your true eating habits. Monitor what you eat, how much, when and why.

Consider boosting potassium. Potassium can lessen the effects of sodium on blood pressure. The best source of potassium is food, such as fruits and vegetables, rather than supplements. Talk to your doctor about the potassium level that's best for you.

Be a smart shopper. Read food labels when you shop and stick to your healthy-eating plan when you're dining out, too.

4. Reduce sodium in your diet

Even a small reduction in the sodium in your diet can reduce blood pressure by 2 to 8 mm Hg.

The effect of sodium intake on blood pressure varies among groups of people. In general, limit sodium to less than 2,300 milligrams (mg) a day or less. However, a lower sodium intake — 1,500 mg a day or less — is appropriate for people with greater salt sensitivity, including:

African-Americans

Anyone age 51 or older

Anyone diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes or chronic kidney disease

To decrease sodium in your diet, consider these tips:

Read food labels. If possible, choose low-sodium alternatives of the foods and beverages you normally buy.

Eat fewer processed foods. Only a small amount of sodium occurs naturally in foods. Most sodium is added during processing.

Don't add salt. Just 1 level teaspoon of salt has 2,300 mg of sodium. Use herbs or spices to add flavor to your food.
Ease into it. If you don't feel you can drastically reduce the sodium in your diet suddenly, cut back gradually. Your palate will adjust over time.

5. Limit the amount of alcohol you drink

Alcohol can be both good and bad for your health. In small amounts, it can potentially lower your blood pressure by 2 to 4 mm Hg.

But that protective effect is lost if you drink too much alcohol — generally more than one drink a day for women and for men older than age 65, or more than two a day for men age 65 and younger. One drink equals 12 ounces of beer, five ounces of wine or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof liquor.

Drinking more than moderate amounts of alcohol can actually raise blood pressure by several points. It can also reduce the effectiveness of blood pressure medications.

These are 5 natural ways to lower your blood pressure.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Survivors & gratitude during Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again. Thanksgiving and the start of the busy holiday season are here. As you reflect on the past year as a survivor, whatever your experience has been, take time to recognize the strength that you have inside of you, the family members who have been by your side and the friends who did not let cancer get between you.

Also reflect on how far you've come in your journey. For some of you, it's just beginning.

Survivors describe a feeling of intense emotion or increased appreciation for the little things that they never noticed before. It might be the smell of flowers, the taste of your favorite food (when your taste is back to normal after treatment), the physical beauty that surrounds you while you walk in nature, or the warm touch of a hand on yours.

While you plan to celebrate the holidays this year, think about the little things that mean so much to you. Maybe it's an important family tradition, giving to a local charity, or having family and friends around the table to share a meal together. Give thanks and then give back to others in a way that makes you happy.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Shining

I'm watching The Shining on the Sundance Channel. What a great way to end Halloween!

I have an admiration for thrillers. Stanley Kubrick's The Shining is as good as it gets for anyone looking for a scare. A prominent production crew, stellar direction, engaging cinematography, as well as a brilliant cast, is in fact second to none. The Shining may fall flat in terms of how far they could have taken the storyline, however, it will permanently be considered a landmark on its twisted style. The scope of Stanley Kubrick remains almost infinite. The delivery is pretty striking to say the least, and will haunt you for years to come.


Stanley Kubrick is known for his psychedelic, yet abnormal directional style, although he never seems to lose focus at all. The famous introduction automatically entices us in, to what turns out to be a car. The helicopter view of the car suggests nothing but, it’s the manner Stanley Kubrick chooses, with the creepy music played during that scene. Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind did an amazing job on the music. The sheer intensity lasts throughout the whole film, and is done to almost near perfection.

Well, where do I start? The two freaky looking girls? The constant typing, which turns out so disturbing towards the end of the film? If there’s anyone who deserves a mention, it’s the emotion and skillful acting done by Jack Nicholson. The whole plot focuses in a hotel where Jack Torrance accepts the role to become a caretaker. The manager notifies Jack that the previous caretaker murdered his wife and kids in the process, through cabin fever. It sort of prepares the audience to what is expected, with its foreshadowing. Young Danny Lloyd played the son Danny Torrance, to which he received almost unanimous acclaim for his powerful role. The young boy constantly sees premonitions and possesses unique telepathic abilities. The innocent Shelley Duvall who plays Wendy Torrance holds her own.

Ultimately, The Shining personifies exactly how to execute a knockout punch, as opposed to any other horror/thriller which came out that decade. The ending is questionable though the maze scene was immensely frightening to watch. A courageous achievement again from the mastermind, which is Stanley Kubrick. Any can argue that The Shining has had a huge influence of many thrillers today.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

The 'new' X-Files

If you were a fan of the old X-Files, the new X-Files premieres January 24 on FOX.

I can't wait to see Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny slip back into their old rhythms smoothly and easily. Mulder with his sleepy twinkle. Scully powerless to resist it.

I'm looking forward to aliens, abductions and government conspiracies, hopefully even bleaker and more complex than the old ones. The paranoia ... Mulder and Scully circling each other still, prodding and then retreating; the endless dance between believer and skeptic.

When they went off the air in 2002 everyone thought 'the government's gonna save us'... but now, 13 years later, everyone hates the government again. It really seems appropriate that there are new elements that have come into our culture, that we are all being spied on and things like that.

Mistrust of the government is even more rampant than it was when the show first started, making the idea of an X-Files revival practically a no-brainer. The first episode pulls off a neat kind of trick, in that just as it uses these present-day concerns as the backdrop to launch a brand-new conspiracy -- you better believe the name "Edward Snowden" is uttered in Mulder's opening voiceover -- in its look and feel it also functions as a time capsule to a kinder, gentler era (at least through the deceptive gauze of nostalgia).


Lymphoma

Lymphoma is a type of blood cancer that occurs when lymphocytes--white blood cells that help protect the body from infection and disease--begin behaving abnormally. Abnormal lymphocytes may divide faster than normal cells or they may live longer than they are supposed to.

Lymphoma may develop in many parts of the body, including the lymph nodes, spleen, bone marrow, blood or other organs.

There are two main types of lymphomas:

• Hodgkin lymphoma (HL) (formerly referred to as Hodgkin's lymphoma) - There are six types of HL, an uncommon form of lymphoma that involves the Reed-Sternberg cells.

• Non-Hodgkin lymphoma (NHL) (formerly referred to as non-Hodgkin's lymphoma) - There are more than 61 types of NHL, some of which are more common than others. Any lymphoma that does not involve Reed-Sternberg cells is classified as non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

Signs and Symptoms

Certain symptoms are not specific to lymphoma and are, in fact, similar to those of many other illnesses. People often first go to the doctor because they think they have a cold, the flu or some other respiratory infection that does not go away.

Common symptoms include:

• Swelling of lymph nodes, which may or may not be painless
• Fever
• Unexplained weight loss
• Sweating (often at night)
• Chills
• Lack of energy
• Itching

Most people who have these non-specific symptoms will not have lymphoma. However, it is important that anyone with persistent symptoms be examined by a doctor to make sure lymphoma is not present.

Lymphoma Treatment

Some form of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, or a combination of the two is typically used to treat Hodgkin lymphoma. Bone marrow or stem cell transplantation may also sometimes be done under special circumstances. Most patients with Hodgkin lymphoma live long and healthy lives following successful treatment.

Many people treated for non-Hodgkin lymphoma will receive some form of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, biologic therapy, or a combination of these. Bone marrow or stem cell transplantation may sometimes be used. Surgery may be used under special circumstances, but primarily to obtain a biopsy for diagnostic purposes.

Although "indolent" forms of non-Hodgkin lymphoma are not currently curable, the prognosis is still very good. Patients may live for 20 years or more following an initial diagnosis. In certain patients with an indolent form of the disease, treatment may not be necessary until there are signs of progression. Response to treatment can also change over time. Treatment that worked initially may be ineffective the next time, making it necessary to always keep abreast of the latest information on new or experimental treatment options.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Fruits & Veggies

I try to eat five servings of fruits and veggies everyday.

Cancer experts and registered dietitians recommend eating five or more servings of a variety of veggies and fruits each day. But in addition to choosing which foods to eat, also consider how the fruits, vegetables, and processed foods you buy were produced.

What is organic? 

Organic farming relies on crop rotation, manure, compost, biological pest control (for example, ladybugs eating aphids), and other so-called “low-input” methods to control pests, enhance the soil, and fertilize crops. Organic farmers can use some pesticides that are approved by the U.S. National Organic Standards, but the approved list is far shorter than that of conventional farming. 

How does my apple get an organic sticker? 

Buying foods with the sticker that says “USDA organic” means the product was produced by certified farms or processors using consistent, uniform standards set by the US Department of Agriculture. But beyond that, things get a little confusing. Organic farmers aren’t required to use the USDA sticker, so sometimes produce doesn’t have a sticker or claim to be certified organic by any of more than 80 other private or state-run certifying agencies. Don’t worry, any of these certifications means the producer meets and maintains the USDA criteria.

Why such strict rules about pesticides?

Pesticides were originally used to protect crops pests and mold, but as we learn more about the unintended effects of pesticides on humans and other animals and plants, many people are concerned about a link between pesticides and cancer.

Eating more fruits and vegetables is something you can do to be as healthy as possible, and buying organic foods when possible is a great way to reduce your exposure to pesticides, antibiotics, and growth hormone.

15.3 M Viewers for Democratic Debate

The Democratic Debate was classy and everyone stuck to the issues that Americans care about. Period.


Democrats were never going to have the mud-slinging bar-style brawl that's been the centerpiece of the GOP debates, so viewership expectations weren't super high. But it turns out some Americans are still interested in the issues and what Democrats plan to do about them.

CNN's Tuesday night debate averaged 15.3 million viewers, easily making it the highest-rated Democratic debate ever.

The total viewer number was much lower than the totals for both recent Republican debates, but there was still a surprising surge of interest in Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Martin O'Malley, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb's first time together on stage.

The 15.3 million total far exceeded most expectations, including among CNN executives. For comparison's sake, the previous Democratic debate record was set in 2008, when Clinton and Barack Obama squared off in prime time on ABC. That debate had 10.7 million viewers.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Fatigue, Depression & Anxiety

I experienced fatigue - extreme fatigue - a couple of months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. More than the tiredness caused by everyday life stresses.

I still feel tired all the time.

Cancer-related fatigue is a constant feeling of physical or mental exhaustion that makes it hard to function and doesn’t improve with rest. Many factors can cause it, including the cancer itself, the treatment or emotional stress. My doctors have been evaluating my fatigue throughout treatment and recovery, to watch for changes and give advice.

My fatigue now is caused by anxiety - the fear of getting cancer again. How do I cope? Three or four times a week my sister and I go to Planet Fitness after work and walk for an hour. It also helps me deal with pain in my joints, a side-effect of the Arimidex.

Depression is something that all cancer patients experience. Ongoing sadness and lack of interest in doing things that usually bring you pleasure, making it hard to keep up with your daily routine. 

Anxiety makes you feel nervous, worried or overwhelmed. While you might expect anxiety after a cancer diagnosis, the condition may need attention if it continues for a long time.

Depression and anxiety are tied closely together. 

I am sure my aunt will experience these feelings. As long as they don't linger long after treatment she should be okay.  


Theia Lela

My Theia Lela had a L breast mastectomy. They removed one lymph node also. We saw her briefly in the recovery room. The surgery went well according to Dr. Brown. She will be transferred to a room, and hopefully she will be released tomorrow.

We're in Somers Point at the house and will go back to the hospital tonight.

My Uncle George is holding up as well as can be expected.

It seems surreal ... a year ago, I had my surgery.

"When an individual gets cancer, the whole family gets cancer." So true.

I feel bad for my cousin Nick. He lost his first wife to cancer and now his mom is battling this dreadful disease.

My aunt is pretty strong. If anyone can pull through, it's my aunt.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Sep. 8th - a date that changed my life forever

A year ago today, I found out I had Stage 1A breast cancer. I have never missed my annual mammograms. I am alive because of my yearly screenings.

For those of you that put off having a mammogram:

According to the National Cancer Data Base, when breast cancer is detected and treated at Stage I, about 95 percent of the patients survive five years or more. The five-year survival rate drops to 90 percent for Stage II, 65 percent for Stage III, and 20 percent for Stage IV.

If you believe screenings are not important, think again. Your life may depend on it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

One year ago ...

On September 3, 2014, I had a second mammogram and an ultrasound. My first mammogram, taken on August 30th, showed s suspicious lesion. I didn't think anything of it ... just a precaution. I had just turned 50 and had celebrated that milestone with my family.

When the xray technician took me into a private room and told me I needed to see a surgeon, I again didn't think much about it.

The following day, September 4th, I saw Dr. Frazier who examined me along with Dr. Lloyd. It was at that point I knew something was wrong. I had a needle core biopsy that Friday. Dr. Frazier called me on Monday, September 8th, and told me my tumor was cancerous.

There is no word that evokes more emotion than the dreaded six-letter 'C' word - cancer.

It is so feared that for many years it could only be whispered, not spoken aloud, as if saying 'She has CANCER' meant you could catch it, or worse, that she would not survive.

Much has changed, but the C word still packs quite a serious punch, especially if it is directed at you. I am not going to tell you that it didn’t shake me up. It shook me to the core. I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach and I couldn't catch my breath.

I learned the turbulent power of the C word. Cancer changes your world in virtually every way imaginable, and in ways that are like your worst nightmare. 

I learned that doctors don’t always know everything and certainly don’t have all the answers, but what many of them lack in absolute certainty they make up for in compassion and caring. I learned that nurses are the unsung rock stars, and that when your mind and body are completely exhausted, you still have the ability to give a little more when you need to. And I have learned that when cancer wins, you have two choices. You can give up and give in to grief and self pity and fear, or you can get yourself together and find the lessons in your experience.

After a couple of months of living in a fog of grief and fear over what might happen to me after my mastectomy, I decided to stop being another victim of the C word. I looked that word straight in the eye, and it taught me some amazing things. I have learned to have courage, beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. In fact, I have learned that I am capable of many things I never thought possible.

I have learned to be compassionate, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle in their lives. I have experienced an incredible gift of clarity and a new commitment to life, learning to embrace every moment and every person in my life.

Many new doors have opened, and I am grateful that I have been able to step through every one. My job has enabled me to embrace more C words, like communication, critical thinking, and collaboration, as we work to make Haverford College an even better school for our students. I have met many students who come in to the Business Department with concerns and questions.

My experience with cancer, despite the pain I endured, has been an incredible life-changing lesson about growth, persistence, strength, and endurance. Cancer has taught me how to rise up again, let go of what doesn’t matter, live in the moment, and cherish those I love. It has taught me how to open my heart, how to trust my journey, and to live life with fierce enthusiasm and grace.

September 8th - the day I found out I had a cancerous tumor in my left breast - is the Virgin Mary's birthday. My mom will go to church and light a candle on the 8th. The number 8 is my favorite number. Coincidence? Maybe.

Those of us whose lives are touched by cancer in some way may never be the same. I believe we can be better, wiser, and kinder, all because of what we learned in the fight against cancer.

I am preparing myself for my first year anniversary after my surgery (September 23rd). I will celebrate one year cancer free. I'm a survivor and it feels great to be alive!



Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Cancer Survivors Day

Eight months and 8 days post surgery. I'm alive and kicking. (8 is my favorite number).

Cancer Survivors Day was yesterday but I celebrated today with my friend Betty. We went out and then hung out at her house watching hail the size of golf balls falling from the stormy sky. I know we need rain but this is ridiculous!

The community of breast cancer patients, my family and friends, and all of my caregivers (doctors, nurses, technicians, etc.) have kept me going despite the endless doctor appointments, blood tests, scans, medicine, side effects and emotions that come with surving breast cancer. 

I have met many cancer survivors both on and off social media and I hope you all found time to celebrate life. Here's hoping all cancers will soon become curable. 

Life is good!


A selfie (me and Betty's dog Daisy). Daisy gets so excited when I go over she hyperventilates!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Relaxing

I spent some time gardening after I mowed the lawn today. I'm looking forward to spending more time outside this summer. 

Monday I started a new position at work. I moved to the Business Dept. and am now an administrative assistant and an assistant to Kathy (Accounts Payable). 

I got through my first week.

Gardening relaxes me, connecting with nature, with the outdoors. Well over 100 studies have shown the benefits of being outside in nature. Mood improves, productivity increases, and stress is reduced. This is a healing way to de-stress and lower cortisol - that stress hormone that can ruin your health when its levels are high for too long.

I am sitting out back enjoying the fruits of my labor. The double-blooming roses are beautiful. My cacti are doing great - three have bloomed.

Our yard is a place of beautiful colors, the red earth feeding the plants, the blue cloud-filled sky today was nice. It wasn't too hot. Now I am watching the minute by minute changes in the sky as the day ends. It's getting darker and darker. The quiet is relaxing. Even the birds have hunkered down for the night.

My mind and body are able to fully relax. Finally.

A trip to the beach, a walk through a park, or a hike into the hills can feel like a mini vacation.

I gave myself the gift of nature and relaxation. I will do the same tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Adversity


"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Pictures worth a thousand words.

Life is good.

Friday, May 15, 2015

The Thrill is Gone - RIP BB King

Whenever I am feeling down and depressed this song from the King of Blues brings me up.


It's an inspirational song that reminds us to keep moving forward no matter how bad things get.

I had the pleasure to see BB King live in Athens, Greece many years ago. An incredible performance.

The Thrill is Gone ... Lucille ... stories that only BB could express beautifully. One of many blues singers from the Mississippi delta who with his voice and unique guitar rifts told stories of the downtrodden.

We lost another great entertainer and human being.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Plumb down ...

I was supposed to be fitted this Monday for my bras and prosthetic. Unfortunately, the physical therapist, Julie, called out sick.  Now I have to wait until June 1st. The workshop with Yellow Daffodil is once a month, and patients have to be fitted before they can order bras. Oh well, shit happens ...

On Tuesday I will see a Urologist, Dr. Lanchoney, because I have been seeing blood when I urinate. Oh well, shit happens ... (I haven't told my parents - don't want to worry them.) My sister knows and we're waiting to see what might be causing the blood. It is unlikely that it is a bladder infection because it doesn't burn, hurt, etc. Regardless of whether or not this is another side affect of the Arimidex (the lining of your bladder, vagina, etc. may wear away with time), I will continue to take the pills because I have no other choice.

As far as my bruising is concerned, I went from developing 'nickel' size bruises to 'figure eights' ... I don't want to be redundant, but again - shit happens ...

Eight is my favorite number. Always has been and always will be. I don't like odd numbers. Even numbers tend to be lucky for me (8 and 22). There is just something about the number eight. As a figure, it's endless if you think about it. If you've ever skated a figure eight, you will understand where I'm coming from.


Went from Hydrocortisone to Gold Bond to Bacitracin for the rash below my left breast.

 
It's all good. My new normal ... busting a gut!
 
I remember a very, very old saying by Woody Guthrie:
 
"Don't let nothing get you plumb down."
 
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Leaders responsible for Greece's economic collapse

The Greeks have to live with belt tightening and domination by the troika for however long it takes, and that may be a long and painful time, or default and return to the drachma and probably wind up out of the EU with all the perils that await them there. The middle road they have been coasting down the last half decade has run out. The game of cat and mouse has run its course. So has the poker game being played on both sides. You can only bluff for so long ... eventually the other side catches on.

Greece has been run by crooks and they have left huge debts while filling their own pockets. Books have been faked. What needs to be done is bring those that mismanaged Greece to trial and lock them up.

Below is an excellent article highlighting the crooks that ruined Greece. This is just a partial list - there are many more individuals responsible for Greece's financially destitute situation. I read this on Politico this morning and it is very interesting:


History shows that a long line of leaders helped make Greece the economic basket case it is today.
By DAMIAN MAC CON ULADH 5/5/15, 6:00 AM CET Updated 5/5/15, 1:23 PM CET

As negotiations inch along between the Syriza government and Greece’s international creditors, the blame for the nation’s looming financial collapse would seem to rest entirely on the shoulders of Prime Minister Alex Tsipras and Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis. But not really: History provides ample evidence that a long line of leaders, from Winston Churchill to Constantine II, helped make Greece the economic basket case it is today.
Here are some of the guiltiest culprits:
Konstantis and Georgios Mavromichalis (died 1831)
When Greek-born Ioannis Kapodistrias was appointed independent Greece’s first governor in 1827, little did he realize that the job would be tougher than his former post as Russia’s foreign minister. Accustomed to working on the diplomatic stage, Kapodistrias soon found that his vision of a modern Greek state was not shared by everyone, especially the provincial elites.In 1831, he was stabbed in the stomach and shot in the head as he made his way to church by Konstantis and Georgios Mavromichalis. The killing was revenge for Kapodistrias’s jailing of their respective father and brother, the warlord Petrobey Mavromichalis. His assassination plunged Greece into chaos, leading the European powers to impose a foreign king, the young Bavarian prince Otto, on the young country, giving it a first taste of German rule.
Winston Churchill (1874–1965)
In 1944, Greece’s leftist partisan movement managed to see the backs of the German army after three and a half years of brutal wartime occupation. Unbeknownst of them, British prime minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Joseph Stalin had secretly divvied up eastern Europe and the Balkans on a piece of paper, placing Greece within Britain’s sphere of influence. While communist leaders also bear responsibility, Churchill’s determination to restore the unpopular Greek monarchy, as well as his determination to exclude former communist partisans from the new Greek army, pushed Greece further down its calamitous path to civil war.
Constantine II (1940– )
Since Greece became a parliamentary republic in 1974, its former king has had no role in political or public life, to almost universal relief. Assuming the throne at the age of 23, Constantine caused enough damage from 1964 to 1967. Soon, he found himself at loggerheads with the centrist government, led by George Papandreou, who eventually resigned. Constantine then sought to create amenable governments using centrist party defectors, which fuelled a constitutional crisis and political instability that ultimately led to the 1967 military coup.
Georgios Papadopoulos (1919–1999)
The weak state of Greek democracy was dealt a major blow in 1967 when a group of mid-level army officers, led by Colonel Georgios Papadopoulos, staged a successful coup d’état. Seven years of dictatorship followed, during which Papadopoulos himself was deposed in a coup by hardliners. While Papadopoulos would later die in prison, his asinine medical metaphors—he often likened himself to a doctor trying to cure a sick patient (Greece)—were redeployed by advocates of taking a tough line on Greece when crisis struck in 2009.
Andreas Papandreou (1919–1996)
Greece’s longest serving prime minister since the restoration of democracy in 1974, Andreas Papandreou left an indelible mark on Greek politics and its economy. Over the course of his decade in office (1981–89, 1993–96), the Harvard-trained economist introduced long overdue social and progressive reforms and stacked the civil service with his socialist Pasok party supporters. While he elevated many Greeks to the middle class, that success came at the heavy cost of drastically increasing the budget deficit and public debt levels. As corruption scandals mounted in the late 1980s, Papandreou created a sideshow by ditching his wife in favor of his airhostess mistress.
Kostas Karamanlis (1956– )
Like many Greek prime ministers, Kostas Karamanlis became leader of the county largely on the strength of his surname – his uncle was prime minister and president at various stages from 1955 to 1995 – and because he promised to  “re-establish” the state. But in his five year tenure (2004–2009), few reforms were enacted, and the government lost control of Greece’s public finances. Had Karamanlis spent less time in front of his Playstation, as is widely rumored, maybe things could have been better. The rocketing budget deficit and debt-to-GDP ratio, which were continuously revised upward during and after his rule, paved the way for the next government to ask for a bailout.
George Papandreou (1952– )
Prime minister like his father and grandfather before him, George Papandreou was elected in October 2009 using the vote-catching slogan “there is money,” despite being aware of the county’s dire economic situation. Unable to manage the ensuing fiscal crisis, Papandreou requested a €110 billion bailout deal from European Union and International Monetary Fund six months later. To the disbelief of most Greeks, the oblivious former leader attempted a political comeback in the 2015 election, in which he campaigned on an anti-austerity programme.
Akis Tsoschatzopoulos (1939– )
Greece would be in a far worse place today had former interior minister Akis Tsochatzopoulos been successful in his bid to become prime minister in 1996. Luckily, he only came within six votes of replacing Andreas Papandreou as leader of the socialist Pasok party. In 2013, a court sentenced Tsochatzopoulos, now 75, to life imprisonment for pocketing €55 million in kickbacks from military procurements from 1996 to 2001, when he was defense minister. His wife, ex-wife, daughter, cousin, and business associates were all implicated in the scandal, most of whom were also jailed.
Greek Oligarchs
With legacies extending back decades in cases, Greece’s oligarchs have emerged relatively unscathed from the Greek crisis and continue to control vast wealth, which is largely inherited but also derives from continued interests in shipping, communications, banking, construction and public works. This coterie of powerful Greek businessmen used political connections with former conservative and socialist governments to win contracts and restrict the Greek market. They also own and exert editorial control over most, if not all, of the privately-held media companies, in a country where public broadcasting remains largely under state control. The new Syriza-led government has promised to rein in the oligarchs, but some things are easier said than done.
Petros Kostopoulos (1954– )
Businessman and flamboyant publisher Petros Kostopoulos gained fame during the media boom years in the 1990s. He introduced a series of highly popular lifestyle magazines to Athens that sought to break taboos and emulate urban fashions from more affluent western countries. The underlying message in his publications and editorials was one of unbridled consumerism. Cue the multiple credit cards, Cayenne Porsches, skiing holidays, extravagant home loans, and private swimming pools. All these status symbols became more attainable after Greece, one of the poorest countries in the European Union, adopted the euro in 2001, which gave its banks easier access to cheap money.
Nikos Michaloliakos (1957– )
Relatively unknown until a few years ago, Nikos Michaloliakos and his neo-Nazi Golden Dawn party have capitalized on the Greek crisis to propel them to seats in the Greek and European parliaments. Appearing immune from the police or the justice system, Golden Dawn gangs patrolled inner-city streets, intimidating and sometimes beating migrants and political opponents. Only after a Golden Dawn supporter fatally stabbed the anti-fascist singer Pavlos Fyssas in 2013 did the state react by jailing Michaloliakos and several other Golden Dawn leaders, who will soon go on trial on charges of forming and running a criminal organization.
Troika
The troika – made up of the European Commission, European Central Bank, and International Monetary Fund – bears a fair share of the blame for Greece’s current state. The troika’s programs are based on over-optimistic growth projections, which have led to a number of revisions to Greece’s debt sustainability. Fiscal austerity has imposed a huge social cost upon the Greek people, pushing people out of work and into poverty, and leaving hundreds of thousands without access to public healthcare.
Damian Mac Con Uladh is a reporter for The Irish Times, based in Athens. Follow him on Twitter @damomac.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Despair

“Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives, the death of a loved one or a serious illness. For the chronically ill, this terrible event has already happened, and we have been let in on an amazing secret: You survive. You adapt, and your life changes, but in the end you go on, with whatever compromises you have been forced to make, whatever losses you have been forced to endure. You learn to balance your fears with the simple truth that you must go on living.” - Jamie Weisman 

I must remember to read this quote often. Between the nickel size bruise marks on my body and the blood in my urine (which developed this past weekrnd), I must not lose sight of the fact that this is my 'new normal' ... My oncologist told me this in my body adjusting to the Arimidex, some of side effects.



Sticks and stones will break my bones
But tears don't leave any scars
So I'm all alright, I'm all alright
I've felt this way before ...

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Troubled ...




“Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all,
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain. ” 

 
 

Busting a gut with Buddy

Buddy ... busting a gut! He sits like this more often than not. I called this his 'drunk' pose.



Holding Buddy ...



There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Laughter

I love this picture (my mom, my Aunt Ismini & my uncle Caesar).

I took after my mom - when we laugh sometimes we bust a gut!



A close-up ...


The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed. ~ Sébastien-Roch Nicolas (Chamfort), translated from French

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Julia's paternal grandmother died. She was crossing the street in Russia and got hit by a truck.

Do Not Stand By My Grave & Weep

This original poem was written in 1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004) from Baltimore, MD. There are in existence many slightly different versions of the poem. This famous poem has been read at countless funerals and public occasions. The author composed this poem in a moment of inspiration, and scribbled it on a paper bag. She wrote it to comfort a family friend who had just lost her mother and was unable to even visit her grave. This is the only surviving poem of Mary Elizabeth Frye.

Do Not Stand By My Grave & Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

A special kind of people

There are some people in the world,
Who are just a little different from the rest.
These people have been through Hell,
But have come out better than the best. 
I’ve only met a few of these gems,
But each one has left their mark on my life.
We’re a special kind of people,
We take life without all the strife.


Iv'e got a pinch of tobacco in my pocket,
I'm not gonna roll it, I'm not gonna to smoke it till we're staring at the stars and the rockets twinkling in the silvery night.
And though the sun may be washed by the sea and the old will be lost in the new, and though you will not wait for me ... I'll wait for you.

Keep the faith my dearest friends. It gets better ... trust me things always find a way of working themselves out.

Life is good!

Friday, April 17, 2015

What's wrong?

When The Times invited essays on the topic, “What’s wrong with the world?” G. K. Chesterton in a letter offered his famous terse response, “I am.” We applaud his reply — and the world has not changed. 

I googled how many wars / conflicts are taking place in the world. The total number of countries involved in wars is 65 which is very sad.

The US is involved in quite a number of these conflicts - both openly and behind the scenes.


The two main reasons for the majority of these conflicts: INEQUALITY and RELIGION

Below is a list of hot zones.

AFRICA:

(27 Countries and 177 between militias-guerrillas, separatist groups and anarchic groups involved)

Hot Spots: Central African Republic (civil war), Democratic Republic of Congo (war against rebel groups), Egypt (popular uprising against Government), Libya (war against islamist militants), Mali (war against tuareg and islamist militants), Nigeria (war against islamist militants), Somalia (war against islamist militants), Sudan (war against rebel groups), South Sudan (civil war)

ASIA:

(16 Countries and 145 between militias-guerrillas, separatist groups and anarchic groups involved)

Hot Spots: Afghanistan (war against islamist militants), Burma-Myanmar (war against rebel groups), Pakistan (war against islamist militants), Philippines (war against islamist militants), Thailand (coup d’etat by army May 2014)

EUROPE:

(9 Countries and 72 between militias-guerrillas, separatist groups and anarchic groups involved)

Hot Spots: Chechnya (war against islamist militants), Dagestan (war against islamist militants), Ukraine (Secession of self-proclaimed Donetsk People’s Republic and self-proclaimed Luhansk People’s Republic)

MIDDLE EAST:

(8 Countries and 215 between militias-guerrillas, separatist groups and anarchic groups involved)

Hot Spots: Iraq (war against Islamic State islamist militants), Israel (war against islamist militants in Gaza Strip), Syria (civil war), Yemen (war against and between islamist militants)

AMERICAS:

(5 Countries and 25 between drug cartels, militias-guerrillas, separatist groups and anarchic groups involved)

Hot Spots: Colombia (war against rebel groups), Mexico (war against narcotraffic groups)

TOTAL:

Number of Countries involved in wars 65

Number Militias-guerrillas and separatist groups involved 636




My Friend - Cy Coleman

My Friend (by Cy Coleman). From the musical The life.


Another one of my favorite musicals!

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Money

Harder still it has proved to rule the dragon Money … A whole generation adopted false principles, and went to their graves in the belief they were enriching the country they were impoverishing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

No truer words have ever been spoken.

Breathing

Change your perception and your world changes. Just breathing is a cause for celebration ...

I must remember to stop and smell the coffee.

Life is good!