You 'know' me - and I would really appreciate your opinion. I have a lot of resentment and I will explain why I feel disappointed.
Relationships are a work in progress. They are all about give and take. With regard to one friendship in particular, I am always giving ... I used the term friendship in my last sentence. Is this a friendship? What defines a friendship?
You sent me a text a couple of days ago, "I don't know Irene but I feel like I'm in a dark hole with no air." I feel like that right now. I am wrestling with my depression and it's very hard. I am doing all that I can not to get 'jammed' because if I get jammed, it will take me to a place mentally where I don't want to be ... I've been there before, and it's very painful.
A friendship is like any other relationship - it requires balance. When there is a lack of balance, this opens the door to resentment and frustration. I have been resentful for a very long time. I kept it inside. I always ask myself 'what motivates people?' (She has a lot on her plate, she's busy, she has a hectic schedule, etc.)
In the past 16 months, the only time, (emphasis added), I have received a call from this friend is when she needed something. I am not keeping score. (i.e., I called you twice, now it's your turn to call me.)
Last night we debated on whether or not she was making a right decision. I expressed my opinion - I believe she is not making the right decision. She told me her reasons for taking the route that she has chosen to take. I have to respect her decision.
I was told I am a very hyper person. Yes, I am very hyper. I totally agreed with that statement. I can't help it, I'm wired differently. I was told that I 'jumped the gun' so to speak ... When that came out, I was disappointed and hurt. This coming from someone who texted me from an attorney's office asking if I would be willing to testify in court ...
The proverb 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' teaches that a real friend is a person who is there for you, helps you when you have a problem, keeps your secrets, shares things with you, bares with all of your defects.
A friend in need is a friend indeed -- there are various interpretations of its meaning.
Is it 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' or 'a friend in need is a friend in deed'?
If it's a friend indeed then I take it to mean someone who helps you when you are in need is a true friend.
If it's a friend in deed then I interpret that as someone who needs your help becomes friendly in order to obtain it.
Only time will tell. Most people will accept the 'indeed' version of this well-known proverb. For me, as it relates to this particular friendship, the 'in deed' version describes the past 16 months. I respect she has a lot on her plate, she's busy, tired, etc. We all have a lot on our plates, we're all busy and tired ... Despite my busy schedule, my depression, etc., I find time to pick up the phone, I text my friends, 'how r u doing? hope u r well ...'
We agreed to disagree. We left it at that.
The only time my parents receive calls are when this friend needs something. The only time my sister receives a call is when this friend needs something. Do you notice a pattern? (Would you believe that I have been reduced to lying to my mother? She periodically asks me, 'does she call you at all? You call her, but does she ever call you to ask how you are doing?') Mothers are full of wisdom and they are very intuitive ... and I think that they have eyes behind their heads - they see EVERYTHING ...
I told my friend, "please do not start texting me or calling me because I have a hard time dealing with phonies." It would be a 'phony' act on her part and EVERYBODY who knows me can appreciate how I feel about people who are pretentious.
I have to ask myself, is there something lost in the translation? In all fairness to her, she thinks in a different language and has to translate her thoughts into English. Is it a cultural thing? A stoic, abrasive, defensive stance ... stoic - unmoved by joy or grief; abrasive - overly aggressive; and, defensive - guarding against threat of criticism ...
While I could appreciate this stance three years ago - a much different time - she was having marital problems and was constantly being knocked down (that will definitely have an affect on your self-esteem), why hold onto to that type of attitude now? You're free ... Does it take time to heal? Sure it does. Does it take time for a person's self-esteem to go from 'low' to 'high' - sure.
I respect myself (and at the present time I am not suffering from low self-esteeem). And because I have a tremendous amount of respect for myself, I need to get out of this 16-month (and counting) responsibility ... My weekends have been put on hold for the past year and a half, and I don't think I can continue putting my life on hold for two more years. As much as I love her son, I don't think I can handle another two years. I have already given enough of myself. And it's not just Saturday nights. My brother-in-law is home on the weekends, my sister is totally spent by the time Fridays come around (her day doesn't end when she leaves work - she has a second shift to get through when she arrives home.) Maria will call me on Fridays, "Irene come over, I made coffee, Georgie and I are waiting for you ..." Why do I go over Friday nights (after a 10-hr shift - the busiest day of the week)? Because I am considerate and I feel for my sister. She's tired ... I can't even begin to mention how many times my poor sister fell asleep before little Georgie did. "Go inside Maria, I'll stay until she gets here." ... "Irene, I feel bad going to bed, I'm tired, are you sure you don't mind." ... Just go to sleep sis - get some rest ...
It's funny - for the first time in a long time (5 years), I have Saturdays and Sundays off. I have to laugh ... I am more tired now then when I worked on the weekends. I'm up until 3:30 am, 4:00 am, etc. - when I finally get home and have 'down time' to myself it takes me an hour or two to shift down.
"We talk and share a few cigarettes when I get home on Saturdays - I figured that's enough time to bring us up to date every week ..."
I thought about that comment all the way home last night. I don't even remember driving to the Wawa. I couldn't tell you how I got there, because I don't remember. I cried on my way home (and I am very disappointed in myself for having cried in her apartment - I broke one of my personal rules - 'never let them see you cry Irene.')
I will end with a quote from one of my favorite playwrights:
"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." - Tennessee Williams
(Mr. Williams, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to come back as your typewriter - so that I can absorb your words as they are transferred from your brilliant mind to paper.) My life is definitely what I make it; with regard to the friends I choose ... I have chosen to distance myself from someone who I care very much about (more than they can ever imagine). If I didn't care, I wouldn't have babysat her son on Fridays and Saturdays. When someone hurts me, I put a wall up and walk away. It's not the first time that a friend has let me down ...
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