A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it. - Jonathan Davis
I had a very stressful day and I'm trying not to think about it. I'm watching Billy Liar on TCM with Tom Courtenay and Julie Christie. Christie won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in this movie - what were they thinking? She should have won for her role as Lara in Dr. Zhivago. It was the Academy's way of making up for their mistake. It's pretty funny, but I'm having a hard time focusing on the movie.
I can't sleep. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled at the same time - jammed ... I'm trying really hard not to stay 'stuck' but it's very difficult.
In the past three months little George’s emotional state has changed. He's not the same happy-go-lucky little boy that he was a few months ago.
December 3, 2011, was the first time George told me he did not want to go to his father’s house. I was playing with George with his train set. He turned to me and said, "Irene, I don’t want to go to Daddy’s house." I asked him, "don’t you want to see your sister Melina?" He replied, "I don’t want to go to Daddy’s house" and began to cry. I picked him up and gave him a hug and told him, "Okay baby, I’ll tell mommy you don’t want to go." As I do every Saturday, I got George ready for bed. As I read him a bedtime story, he again told me, "Irene, I don’t want to go to daddy’s house" and began to cry again. I told him not to worry, it was getting late, and it was time for him to go to sleep. After he fell asleep, I sent Julia a text message, 'what is going on w/George?'
I understand there is a fine line between a child’s imagination and reality. I also understand that a three year old may find it difficult to verbally communicate any harm inflicted on them.
During the past three months George cries when it’s time to go to bed. I have to lay down next to him until he falls asleep and reassure him that I am there, not to be afraid. He lays very close to me and has to hold my arm until he falls asleep (something that he never did in the past). He covers his head with the blanket very tightly which scares me - 'can he breath?' I ask myself. Once he falls asleep, I pull the blanket down from his head. He is afraid of the dark (something that he never was afraid of before). He has an increased need for affection. He would tell me, "I love you Irene" in the past, but lately this increased need borders on 'clinging' ... He literally clings to me. Out of the blue, he will come up to me and say, "I love you Irene" - it just doesn't feel right to me. When I use the bathroom I have to tell him, "George, Irene will be right out – give me a minute honey – Irene has to use the bathroom." (He waits for me outside the door – something he never did before.) There is a marked change in his vocabulary. He uses the word 'stupid' (he never used the word stupid before). I actually witnessed him calling Julia stupid and she told him it’s not a nice word for little boys to use. (I do not know how he learned this word – I can only assume that he hears it being used, or someone calls him stupid.) Another troubling change is his need to repeatedly apologize for trivial things (i.e., he spilled his macaroni and cheese and kept apologizing to me, "I’m sorry Irene, I didn’t mean to spill my macaroni and cheese, etc.") I explained to George, "it was an accident baby, you did not spill your food on purpose, there is no need for you to keep apologizing, it’s okay baby - accidents happen."
I have not noticed any signs of physical abuse (bruising, etc.) but I can't help but wonder if he is being emotionally abused.
My family and I do not mention Nick to George. The only time I mention Nick’s name to George is when he cries and tells me, "I don’t want to go to daddy’s house." I respond, "don’t you want to visit daddy and Melina? Daddy and Melina love you. They miss you very much baby."
On March 1st last year, Nick was arrested for putting mice in two pizza shops - he was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. He was arrested four times between 1988 and 2009 in New Jersey and Florida for burglary, tampering with evidence, aggressive battery and assault. In addition to Nick's criminal background, there are three risk factors that concern me greatly. First, Nick is a single parent which adds to the level of stress he is already under. Second, Nick endured abuse as a child (I was a witness to one very disturbing incident - see prior posts). Third, when he was arrested for planting mice in two pizza shops last year, he stated he 'was on drugs' at the time of the incident.
The years of early childhood are very important. A sense of safety and love are needed and are important to a child’s development. If a child does not feel safe, it can have a damaging affect on the child’s welfare.
Can a three year old child undergo a psychiatric evaluation? If a psychiatric evaluation is performed, can a three year old child suffer emotional and psychological stress as a result of the evaluation? Will George’s needs be evaluated and taken into consideration? Will law-enforcement have to get involved in any investigation? ... This will only add more stress/fear to George’s development as a child.
I only hope that this beautiful little boy does not become damaged beyond repair.
Art helps me - it has gotten me through some tough times in my life.
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