Monday, September 15, 2014

Relief - 8 days ...

Relief ...

My MRI results of both breasts came back. What looked suspicious on my left breast is benign. I am so grateful!

I kept looking at the photo I took of the films of the right & left breasts and words cannot describe how relieved I am that my left breast is healthy.



I have lost all sense of time ... 8 days until my surgery. I can't wait!


Hope - 9 days ...

Battling breast cancer can take an emotional toll on everyone involved - from the diagnosed to her family members. Inspiration can run short and comfort is in high demand.

Whether you are a survivor, a warrior or a family member, hang in there, and never give up hope.

What has helped me is knowing there are others out there who are going through the same thing.



9 days until my mastectomy ...

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops — at all...
~Emily Dickinson (1861)

Even before my diagnosis, I found comfort and strength in Eleanor Roosevelt. For me, she is a pillar of strength!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

To all of the women who are battling breast cancer ... live to win! You are NOT alone.

Keep hope where it is easily accessible for those moments that are too much to bear.

And remember you are not alone.

Hope!



Sunday, September 14, 2014

Max Schumacher

Oh how I can relate to the character Max Schumacher in Network!

I'm scared shitless ... death is suddenly a perceptible thing to me ...

Max Schumacher:

" ... After living with you for six months, I'm turning into one of your scripts. Well, this is not a script, Diana. There's some real actual life going on here. I went to visit my wife today because she's in a state of depression, so depressed that my daughter flew all the way from Seattle to be with her. And I feel lousy about that. I feel lousy about the pain that I've caused my wife and my kids. I feel guilty and conscience-stricken and all of those things that you think sentimental, but which my generation called simple human decency. And I miss my home because I'm beginning to get scared shitless. Because all of a sudden, it's closer to the end than it is to the beginning, and death is suddenly a perceptible thing to me - with definable features ..."

Howard Beale

I'm watching Network on the Sundance Film Channel. What a gem!

I've seen this movie many times and I think we can all relate to Howard Beale.

Howard Beale:

"I want you to get up right now. Sit up. Go to your windows. Open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!...You've got to say, I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first, get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

I don't watch too much television but when I do I watch old movies.

Cats

Cats ...



Denise ... Buddy misses you big time!



Felix is ... well ... Felix!



Oscar ... I think I'm doing better than he is - he just had one of his asthma attacks.

I'm taking good care of them, and they are taking care of me. Every other night I sleep on your sofa. On the other days, I sleep in my bed with Gypsy. You know how she gets separation anxiety. Busting a gut!

I had dinner with giagia and papou (fish & horta). Giagia gave Gypsy some fish - you know she didn't leave a trace in her bowl.






Saturday, September 13, 2014

Over the Hill

On August 30th, my sister and I turned 50. At 1:00 pm I had a mammogram ...

Who would have known that my mammogram on that day would change my life forever.

The term 'over the hill' has new meaning for me now.

While we celebrated our birthday, my mother started crying - tears of joy - another milestone in her babies' lives.



Nine days after this picture was taken I received the call from Dr. Frazier, "Irene, your tumor is malignant."

Over the hill.

I have a mountain to climb and when I reach the top I will sing out loud, I will sing of good things, not bad ... sing of happy, not sad.

Life is good!

Friday, September 12, 2014

See prior post: Nothing is Permanent

I just finished reading an older post: Nothing is Permanent.

Deep down inside while my malignant tumor was taking shape I wrote a post on how short life is. Here today, gone tomorrow.

If you read that post you will understand why it's eerie. Really, really eerie.

Read that post and live your life everyday as if it were your last.

Life is good!

Exhaustion

I'm tired ...

My body is fighting this cancer. I can feel it - I'm not imagining things. Granted, my imagination runs wild sometimes, but I know my own body better than anyone else.

There's not a lot about exhaustion online, but I found this on a website, "In a tumor-induced “hypermetabolic” state, tumor cells compete for nutrients, often at the expense of the normal cells' growth. In addition to fatigue, weight loss and decreased appetite are common effects."

I have lost 6 lbs in two weeks. I can't eat, I can't sleep ...

I'm physically, mentally and emotionally spent. I have enough bags under my eyes to go shopping with ...

Went to the park around 6:30 and walked a few laps with my dear mom. Then we hit the Dairy Queen on the way home!

My mother is full of wisdom. She's my best friend. I don't know what I would have done without her love, compassion and support.

I need a cup of coffee. At my sister's cat-sitting her 3 cats. They miss Maria, John & the kids.

I miss them big time! They are in Kefalonia (Greece) ... we text or call each other everyday so it makes the distance, even though temporary, easier to deal with for both of us.

Hurry back sis! Love ya lots!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

9/11



Bill Kelly Jr., we have never forgotten you. I haven't seen your father in years - your death on that horrible day changed him forever. You would be proud of the Golf Tournament your father created to honor you.

www.billkellyjr.com

If anyone has an opportunity to visit the memorial park where the twin towers once stood, it is truly breathtaking. I took photos and traced Dr. Theurkauf's nephew's name on a piece of paper for him. My sister used to work for Dr. Theurkauf. Maria is in the Business Department at Bryn Mawr Medical Specialists Assoc's. Another great doctor who is retiring in a few weeks.

To all those who lost loved ones on 9/11, we will always remember.

To live on in the hearts of others is to never die ...

May you all continue to rest in peace.

Google games

I'm at work and the distraction is good. I work at Haverford College and Nikki Millas is by far the coolest boss I have ever had. She has helped me so much during these last two weeks.

Love ya lots Nikki! I keep clicking on your picture under our contact info so that if anyone googles Haverford Purchasing, your picture comes up. Busting a gut! The day we had our pictures taken the weather was horrible, cloudy and rainy. They picked the pictures that were taken inside Founders Hall by the staircase.

Gotta go get my tests done. The smell of hospitals, pine-sol, aghhh!

Go Fords!

BREAST CANCER - 'THE CLUB'

On my 50th birthday, I had a routine mammogram. Didn't think anything about it. Later that night, I went out to dinner with my family and had a great time. Denise and Manoli got my sister and I a bunch of 'gag gifts' - you know the ones: OLDER THAN DIRT, NOW THAT YOUR FIFTY - YOUR UNDERWEAR WILL BE SHITTY, OVER THE HILL, GAS-X, FIXODENT, etc.

By far the neatest gifts were two frames (one for my sister a/k/a 'Beast' and one for me a/k/a 'Shady'). They call me Shady because ... well I've done some pretty shady things in my life, smoked pot, drank a lot, etc. Getting back to the frames - there are lines that mention what occurred in 1964 (the year my sister and I were born). The last line reads:

But the most important thing that occurred in 1964 was Maria and Irene Atsatos were born!

My mother gave birth to two bouncing, beautiful baby girls - identical twins - on a very hot Sunday back in 1964 in Upper Darby, PA, only a year after she moved here from Greece.

It's been a while since I have written, and those of you who know me well and have read older posts know that I am a die-hard liberal. Both my parents are Democrats as well so I have much in common with them. Some of my older posts deal with politics, both here and in Greece, some deal with entertainment, some with family, and some are funny. I have to laugh - laughter gets me through the day.

On Tuesday, September 2nd, I got a telephone call from Main Line Health Radiology. "Irene, you need to come back for another mammogram and an ultrasound." The following day, Wednesday, I had a second set of mammograms and an ultrasound.

On Thursday, I met with Dr. Thomas Frazier, an oncologist at Breast Surgical Specialists at Bryn Mawr, for a consult. A very personable doctor - I liked him immediately. My gynecologist, Marvin Hyett, who I have been seeing for over 26 years told me, "Irene, you couldn't have had a better doctor. I know Thomas well." Dr. Frazier examined both of my breasts thoroughly and then showed me my mammogram and ultrasound films. I asked if I could take pictures of the films. He said it was fine.



I had a Needle Core Biopsy on Friday, September 5th, guided by an ultrasound. I watched the procedure on the monitor. It was at that point that I knew something was not right ...

What I witnessed on the monitor during the procedure didn't look good, and when I asked to see the samples (4 bottles) I knew right away I had cancer. There were just too many signs. I asked Dr. Simpson, the doc performing the biopsy, "why didn't you insert a titanium clip in my breast? Dr. Frazier mentioned you would be inserting one so that we can monitor my right breast in the future." Her reply, "Irene, don't worry, they will be able to locate the nodule ..."

After the longest weekend of my life, Dr Frazier called me Monday morning (September 8th) ... "Irene, the tumor is malignant."

Before he even had a chance to continue I asked, "what stage doctor?"

"Stage 1A Irene, I'm sorry. I will need to see you in my office."

I took a post-it note from Nikki's desk and wrote what he told me down. I don't know what I would have done without Nikki ... we both started crying.

How do I call my sister in Greece now to tell her the tumor is malignant. After a few minutes I called. "Hey John, how are you?" ...

I love John so much. He is like a brother to me. He handed the phone to my sister because he knows how close we are - he wanted me to tell Maria the results first ... needless to say, Maria started crying, I cried, Nikki cried ...

On Wednesday, September 10th, I saw Dr. Frazier at 10:00 a.m. I didn't sleep the entire night. Nikki came with me to support me and to take notes. At one point the doctor was talking to me - his lips were moving but I couldn't hear what he was saying.

Thank you Nikki. You're like a sister to me, but most of all thank you for having a wonderful disposition and laughing all the time.

He gave me 4 scripts and spent a considerable amount of time explaining my cancer - he even drew a picture and wrote notes for me.

I met with Karen who provided the locations and times of my tests ... I think her name was Karen - I've met so many nurses I can't be certain her name was Karen.

Too much information to have to process. Information overload ... my brain hurts from thinking too much and from trying to process all of this ...

Today at 3:00 p.m., I had an MRI (w/dye) of both breasts, a chest x-ray and blood tests. Dr. Frazier should have the results of those tests by tomorrow.

Nikki dropped me off at the Warden Lobby at Bryn Mawr Hospital. "Irene, I'll drop you off and pick you up ..." It's good that I listened to Nikki - the MRI was an hour and 10 minutes. A man must have created this special MRI for breasts - two openings where the breasts hang (your on your stomach and your arms are extended above your head). The openings are not even curved (to at least resemble the shape of our breasts)!

Bang, bang bang ... anyone who has ever had an MRI can relate to the noise.

"Irene, this next one will be 10 minutes. Are you okay?" Cheryl, the technician talked to me throughout each stage. "Other than my sternum hurting, the paralysis in my lower back and legs, and the pins and needles in my arms and hands, I feel great Cheryl! A man must have created this contraption.! I'm fine ..."

When it was all over I sat up and felt dizzy. It took about 10 minutes for me to get the sensation back in my hands and legs. They removed the port (from the top of my hand where the dye was injected).

"Can you stand Irene? My assistant and I will help you stand up slowly." My reply, "we'll get the answer to that question if I wind up on the floor ..." I have to joke - it gets me through difficult moments.

In another post I will write about Sara, my cancer buddy - nurse navigator, who met me in the waiting area before my MRI. A wonderful nurse with a great sense of humor who also had breast cancer. We hit it off right away. We both had each other in stitches in the waiting area. It's what I call a 'busting a gut' laughing spell. The kind of laughter that makes you almost pee your pants.

I called Nikki up when I got outside ... "Nikki, I'm finished, walking to the Wawa on the corner, I'm really thirsty."

"Okay sweetie, sure honey, call you back in five ..."

BUSTING A GUT! Someone was in her office ...

Even during the most difficult moments in our lives, humor and laughter will find its way in ...

So grateful that my sister and her family will be back from Greece (they are flying back on the 22nd). I miss them so much, more than words can ever say.



Monday, July 28, 2014

Nothing is Permanent

Everything dies. Everything. You were born with a terminal disease, just like everything else that has ever existed ... but this fact — the immutable, inevitable, impossibly obvious fact we will die as surely as we were born — is something we all deny for most of our lives. You’d think we’re never going to die, the way we cower and second-guess and fret over each little action. We act like what we do today will forever alter the flow of creation, of time, of space. Every move is vital. Each little event could upset the delicate balance. Everything is of paramount importance.

We can’t do things differently, because the system, however imperfect, works and is extremely delicate. We might upset it by thinking outside the box.

We have to weigh every decision, because a butterfly flapping its wings in Nova Scotia could cause a hurricane in Guam. Or, as Homer Simpson taught us, if you kill a mosquito in dinosaur times, Ned Flanders might become the unquestioned lord and master of the universe.

We can’t do something that might make us look ridiculous, because first impressions last forever. We can’t try and fail, because then we’ll be ruined forever.

Think a scar (or a tattoo, for that matter) is permanent? It’s not. Your body was literally formed from stardust and will eventually return there. The duration of a scar doesn’t even register on the big time line. In fact, I heard that God watches jewelry commercials and LOL’s when they say that diamonds are forever. It’s all a big joke up there. There’s a drinking game in Heaven, where angels do a shot every time humans invest “for the long term.”

What are you so fucking worried about?
You are here now. Eventually, you will be gone. You have but a nanosecond on the universal clock to do whatever it is you’re going to do. When that time is gone, it’s gone. Forever.

That means that although what you do doesn’t matter to the universe, it should matter one hell of a lot to YOU.

In fact, it should matter to you more than it currently does. If you knew how small you are and how short a time you have to do what you can, you wouldn’t waste time watching five fucking hours of TV a day. You wouldn’t waste time doing a job you hate. You wouldn’t waste the little time you have dealing with assholes, feeling sorry for yourself, or being timid about the things you’d really like to do ...

Think back five years in time. Remember what you were like. Realize how fast five years can go. Think about who you are today, the place you’re in and the age you are. Then step back into the shoes of your five-years-ago self and look at yourself as you are today ... time will never stop. NEVER. You will never be younger again. It’s like being on a train with no stops that’s always leading you farther and farther from home … or closer and closer to home, depending on how you look at it. You can never get off that train. You can never board a train going the opposite direction. If you missed a stop, tough shit. If there was this great thing even just two miles back that you decided not to do, you can’t change your mind and go do it. That place is gone forever.

In my past, there’s an opportunity I could have taken advantage of that I didn’t, and that I wish I had. There’s a thing I got rid of that I really wish I’d kept.

But the train never backs up. Never. I missed those things, and I will never get a second chance.

Do yourself a favor, right now, and realize two things:

1. You will keep getting older, and then you will die.

2. Everything that’s ever entered your experience has lasted and will continue to last for only a brief moment in the life of the universe.

So stop wondering what it all means and how you’ll possibly ever do X and what people will think, and get on with your life already. Stop being a pussy and go do something amazing.

Do epic shit ...

You can’t be a bad person who does good things. If you do good things, you’re not bad; you’re good. There is simply no way to manifest badness other than by being bad. Anyone who’d argue that you can be bad while ultimately doing good things is just a douchebag philosophy major looking to get his ass kicked.

So what does this mean to you?

Why … it means everything. It means that in the small amount of time you have to live, you can be whatever you want. It means that even though the universe doesn’t care enough to give you what you want, it doesn’t care enough to stop you from having it, either. So embrace that anarchy, and take those things for yourself.

If you want to be awesome in this life, do awesome things.

If you want to be a leader, do some leading.

If you want to be an expert, do the things an expert does.

Just do it. Claim it. Stop waiting for permission to be epic.

Most people think that they need to be tapped on the shoulder by the Epic Fairy if they ever hope to be epic, or if they’re ever going to have the audacity to do something truly epic. But it’s not true. Want to be epic? Just do epic shit. There’s nothing else to it.

People always say, “I wish I was amazing. I wish I was awesome.”

Fucking hell. Stop whining and just be it already.Be fucking awesome.

Nobody’s going to give you the gift of awesome. Nobody’s going to make you good, or great, or amazing, or epic. Nobody’s going to make you an expert or an authority or a voice anyone should listen to. Nobody’s going to level you up. If you want that next level, take it. Take it for yourself.

Grab it. Become it. Claim it.

Write a treatise. Create an event. Champion a cause. Build something great. Speak your mind. Make the call. Build the business. Author the book. Send the email. Do it. Do it.

If you fail, big deal.

You might write something and nobody might read it. You might build it and nobody might come. You could fail and ruin your life. You could take a chance and end up looking really, really stupid. Boo-fucking-hoo.

It doesn’t matter ...

You are very small. We are all staring down the barrel of a gun, and we last only for the tiniest, tiniest moment in time. Your life is a one-way train, and any second you waste is a second lost forever.

If your life is to mean something, it’s up to YOU ... Stop waiting for someone to give you what you want. The universe is too busy to care. It has worlds to create and galaxies to destroy. If you’re worried about death and about your own end, don’t. It’s coming whether you like it or not. You will either arrive at the end of your life in style or you will arrive broken and beaten, but whichever way you choose, have no doubt that you WILL ARRIVE.

There is only now. If you have power, it’s now. If you can change anything, you have to do it now. If you want to be or to have that next great thing, be it. Have it. Take it. Own it. Do it. Become it.
Be awesome.

Do epic shit.

Do it now. The clock is ticking ...

I love you Johhny B!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Stop & Frisk

Stop and Frisk. Racial profiling plain and simple.

Hopefully, this racist police tactic will end once Bloomberg leaves office.

Think about it. How would you feel if you were stopped and searched just because of the color of your skin.

12 Years a Slave ... an excellent movie that should be required viewing by every cop in every precinct in New York City.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Romney's 'Ideas'

Romney has lots of ideas ...

His first idea was to say he's cutting millionaires' taxes from 35% to 28%; his next idea is to say that he isn't going to do that!

Another idea was to get rid of the pre-existing condition requirement. Then he said he wasn't. Then his campaign clarified that yes, he was getting rid of that.

LOL!!!

Flip-flop ... this plutocrat changes his platform quicker than a bicyclist changing a flat tire in the Tour de France!

Romney's lies on Medicare

Romney's debate performance contained more lies and deceptions than just those relating to his tax plan. His assertion that Medicare is being sacrificed for Obamacare is patently untrue. First of all, Ryan included the same cuts to providers in the budget he wrote, Romney endorsed, and every Republican in the House voted for. Second, hospitals now collect only 38 cents on the dollar for services rendered to the unisured. For the most recent year figures are available, that is a loss of 86 billion dollars. Since Obamacare would reduce the number of uninsured by 60% or more, hospitals would not incur 10s of billions of dollars in yearly losses due to the uninsured. That is why the hospitals negotialed with the administration and agreed to pass some of those savings onto the governement through reduced Medicare reimbursement rates. Those reducted rates do not affect benefits and actully extend the life of Medicare by 8 years. Also, some of this money is being used to close the Medicare prescription doughnut hole. Just another cyncial deception and fear tactic from Romney.

I Burn Paris by Bruno Jasienski

I Burn Paris
by Bruno Jasieński
translated from the Polish
by Soren A. Gauger & Marcin Piekoszewski

I Burn Paris has remained one of Poland's most uncomfortable masterstrokes of literature since its initial and controversial serialization by Henri Barbusse in 1928 in L'Humanité (for which Jasienski was deported for disseminating subversive literature). It tells the story of a disgruntled factory worker who, finding himself on the streets, takes the opportunity to poison Paris's water supply. With the deaths piling up, we encounter Chinese communists, rabbis, disillusioned scientists, embittered Russian émigrés, French communards and royalists, American millionaires and a host of others as the city sections off into ethnic enclaves and everyone plots their route of escape. At the heart of the cosmopolitan city is a deep-rooted xenophobia and hatred — the one thread that binds all these groups together. As Paris is brought to ruin, Jasienski issues a rallying cry to the downtrodden of the world, mixing strains of "The Internationale" with a broadcast of popular music.

With its montage strategies reminiscent of early avant-garde cinema and fist-to-the-gut metaphors, I Burn Paris has lost none of its vitality and vigor. Ruthlessly dissecting various utopian fantasies, Jasienski is out to disorient, and he has a seemingly limitless ability to transform the Parisian landscape into the product of disease-addled minds. An exquisite example of literary Futurism and Catastrophism, the novel presents a filthy, degenerated world where factories and machines have replaced the human and economic relationships have turned just about everyone into a prostitute. Yet rather than cliché and simplistic propaganda, there is an immediacy to the writing, and the modern metropolis is starkly depicted as only superficially cosmopolitan, as hostile and animalistic at its core.

--------

Soren Gauger on Bruno Jasieński

As we speak, one of the few objects in Poland commemorating the life and work of Bruno Jasieński – a high school that bore his name in his hometown of Klimantów – has officially undergone a name change, on the grounds that the writer in question is not "an authority for today's youth" and, indeed, has a "demoralizing effect" on their young minds. Leaving aside the question of the desirability of judging literature on such criteria, what seems most astonishing is that, even now, over seventy years after his torture and execution in a Soviet prison, Jasieński is still such a socially awkward commodity, certain to make English-speaking readers as uncomfortable as Polish ones. Most of the greatest writers seem to have been born at the wrong time, but only a small handful of the truly odd ones feel as though they wouldn't be quite at home – or embraced – at any time.

Bruno Jasieński arrived in Paris in the fall of 1925. In his last surviving statement for the Russian NKVD before his execution, he listed three reasons for leaving Poland: (1) he had graduated from university and was due to serve twenty months of mandatory military service, (2) he was being sued for alleged blasphemy during one of his poetry readings in Lwów (today Lviv, Ukraine), which could have resulted in a year or two in prison, and (3) he was an unemployed literature graduate whose scandalous reputation scarcely promised him work as a high-school teacher. Difficult as it may be to imagine from today's perspective, his poetry readings had been banned by the police in many Polish cities, and on one occasion an audience had even stoned him for his work.

Jasieński intended to learn French and to write novels in his new language. Instead, he immediately enrolled in Chinese and Japanese classes, and wrote freelance articles for the Wiek Nowy newspaper in Lwów. Among other events, he covered the exhumation of famous Romantic poet Juliusz Słowacki's remains in Paris and their shipment back to Poland. He also worked as a director at the Polish Workers' Theater, where he staged an adaptation of one of his own poems.

The decision to write I Burn Paris is immortalized in Aleksander Wat's conversations with Czesław Miłosz (My Century):

Wat: [Jasieński's] communism became absolute because of I Burn Paris, with that quarrel over I Burn Paris, when the French authorities expelled him and raised a fuss. I saw how I Burn Paris came about, through his ignorance of the French language. It was like this: Jasieński returned home, I was having dinner at his place, and he started saying with incredible passion and fury that he had seen Morand's latest book in the bookstore, Je brule Moscou. And he was enraged, pacing round the apartment, cursing, unable to calm himself, that Moscow, which he had just... That crook, that fascist...

Miłosz: He didn't understand that bruler means something different: to drive through quickly?

Wat: And three or four days later he was telling me the plot of a novel he wanted to write: Je brule Paris. Sometimes this is how great works of literature get made. He was chased out of France for Je brule Paris in 1929. He went straight to Leningrad from Paris by ship.

Poland's most untiring Jasieński advocate, Krzysztof Jaworski, suggests in Bruno Jasieński in Paris that this story might have been touched up a bit: Jasieńśki had written positive reviews of Morand's work, a rarity in Jasienski's critical output. Jaworski suggests that the "rage" might have been colored in for effect. But such is the appeal of Wat's story that it retains its hold in the popular imagination.

Jasieński was indeed expelled from France for this novel, and import of the book form (it originally appeared piecemeal in the l'Humanité communist periodical) was forbidden on the grounds that it "exuded blind and stupid hatred for Western European culture." Nor did it increase his popularity in Poland, though in Russia it became a legitimate phenomenon: the first edition of 140,000 copies sold out in a matter of days, prompting a second edition of 220,000 copies.

Small wonder: The book chronicles, in the first part, an unemployed factory worker who is so abused and manhandled by French society that pouring a test tube of the Black plague into the water supply seems the only reasonable solution. In the present section, our protagonist dies in fits and spasms. Then for the last two hundred pages, Paris divides into cultural or political districts (Anglo-Americans/Jews/Chinese/workers/policemen etc.), while all the hate and mistrust latent in such a multicultural society comes bubbling to the surface. By the end Paris, the symbolic heart of Bourgeois culture, is a landscape of corpses.

I Burn Paris remains a reluctantly acknowledged masterpiece in part because of all the ambiguities. The effect comes from following moral impulses so obsessively that they sometimes become their own opposites. The novel marks what is generally thought to be Jasieński's transition from Futurism to Catastrophism. What this means, for example, is that Jasieński's earlier poetry took the staccato rhythm and mechanics of typewriters, trams, factories etc. as their substance, as in the following passage:

The thousands-strong, hundred-street cities pumping out thousands of papers a day, the long black columns of words shouting loud on the boulevards written by little old bespectacled men - wrong - the City writes them stenographing a thousand collisions - in synch, in time, in blood - a hundred thousand camera clicks mark long forty-column epics.[...]power-plant strikes, suicide, adultery, there's your big fat poetry.

- "Song of Hunger," 1922

Compare (from Part One of I Burn Paris, after the protagonist has been thrown in prison):

On the other side of the wall, in the neighboring cramped cells — a strange society of castaways, discarded like waste by the scrupulous, unforgiving machine of the world to this place, behind the high wall on Boulevard Arago and, by someone's inconceivable will, tied and hitched to a new and bizarre mechanism, governed by the new and bizarre laws of the World of Readymade Things. The pointless walks around the symmetrical circles of the courtyard, regular as a carousel, under the low, sooty bell jar of the prison skies. The long rosary, manipulated by some unseen hand, of which each bead is the live, pulsating guts of human existence. The machinery built of cogs that had no place beyond the wall, but which unexpectedly meshed when thrown together in this monstrous lumberyard, clinging to one another and creating a new collective organism, functioning according to a new guiding principle, one scarcely conceived on the other side.

In the novel, the wonderment is gone, the machine has run amok. The pulse in Jasieński's poetry is a mechanical one. It was (remains) shocking for its bold disregard of what this mechanization means, preferring merely to hand us a portrait of the state of things in the modern world, and making a poetry that reflects it. His novel, on the other hand, focuses precisely on the ramifications of this state of things. Yet the recurrence of these images retain some of the young Futurist's fascination for the factory-made man, and his prose holds onto the one-two punch of the poetry's mechanized rhythm. The repetition of such adjectives as "matte" and "flickering" tell us something else: Jasieński's book is an early example of literature with a distinctly cinematic sensibility (Eisenstein is certainly a reference point), a narrative viewed through a camera lens.

A similar ambiguity emerges in Jasieński's treatment of the moral decadence and degradation of his contemporary society, which takes many forms: brothels, child prostitution, racism, grinding poverty, jazz music, the lifestyles of upper classes and bourgeoisie, and so on. Pierre, the novel's initial protagonist (whose death occurs early, in a strangely offhand gesture), appears as a kind of inter-war Candide, stumbling through the dark woods of modern French society, pummeled by its various mechanisms. Of course, in the midst of detailing the horrors that await Pierre in his weird spiral to madness, Jasieński ends up writing passages that very much resemble a decadent novel. Everything is grotesquely bent out of shape, but the sections detailing the revulsion and vileness are, from a literary point of view, some of the most compelling to read. It is a dilemma familiar to the religious painter: Hell is more fun to paint.

Finally, there is a strange and unsolvable contradiction in the fact that a novel which culminates in celebrating the triumphant spread of communism is also a novel whose central motif is the spread of a deadly and unstoppable plague.

None of this is to doubt the sincerity or conviction of Jasieński's aims. The treatment of the Jew by the White Russian officer will seem shockingly prescient to the twenty-first century reader with any knowledge of the Holocaust. The impression is made all the more powerful when one recalls how rare such depictions are in the European literature of the 1920s and 1930s. In his later novella entitled "The Nose" (forthcoming from Twisted Spoon, in The Legs of Izolda Morgan and Other Writings), written in Russian, he offers a rare, if not unique example of a writer with Jewish roots satirizing the sick morality of Nazi Germany before the war broke out. In the present novel, his humane treatment of P'an, the Chinese protagonist, again finds few parallels in the European literature of the time. What remains impressive in I Burn Paris is the fact that, whatever the moral or political status of the character at hand, Jasieński gives him/her full rights to our understanding and sympathy. In this disease-infested Paris everyone may well be cutting everyone else's throats, and the portrait of humanity as it stands might be dismal beyond repair, but as individuals, everyone gets a fair hearing, and a fleshed-out literary existence.

But the ambiguities I have mentioned do seem to suggest that there is a subconscious, or subterranean, life to the narrative, one that goes unacknowledged by the writer as such, but which is perhaps the chief source of discomfort in reading the novel. Whether it is the Futurist undermining the Catastrophist, Jasieński casting doubt on his own best intentions, or a classic case of attraction/repulsion syndrome, it is a tension that runs through much of the book.

We should note in passing that the translator's introduction – surely the most conservative of all arts, save perhaps typography – has undergone a shift in demeanor over the past few decades which is, not surprisingly, reflective of the shift in the so-called art of translating as such. This shift might broadly be defined as one from creative virtuosity to academic fidelity – both approaches with their own drawbacks – and accordingly, the sometimes disarming sincerity and eccentricity of translators' introductions of the 1960s and 1970s has largely given way to introductions that are at best blandly informative, and at worst larded with an academic rhetoric that puts the translator in a position of authority over his subject (i.e. the writer being translated). As I have no intention of playing such shabby tricks with the reader, because I am old-fashioned enough to believe that a translation should be motivated, above all, by a kind of bald enthusiasm for the author at hand, and ultimately, because this particular writer is one of painful, and sometimes uncomfortable honesty, I should like to include the following.

Any introduction to I Burn Paris should explain what I see as the real tragedy of Bruno Jasieński, though I would like to refrain from wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth. The tragedy has less to do with the garden-variety pathos of a highly gifted writer sentenced to death in the vast slaughter of Stalinist Russia (though surely this is tragic enough), than with a more unconventional sort of tragedy: that of an artist pursuing his own delusions to the bitter end. From his earliest poetry, Jasieński was a writer with a powerful sense of his own showmanship and the manufacture of his own identity. This included the monocle he liked to wear, the pseudonym (real name: Wiktor Zysman), affiliation with various literary movements, manifestoes, public statements, rallies, and performances. Even as an aesthetic writer (as opposed to the politically engaged writer he later became), he had an acute sense of creating a persona – the writer himself was viewed as another fictional character. Jasieński's literary voice is seldom, if ever, an intimate one – it is that of a man holding forth from a tribunal or a podium. It is a Romantic impulse, a sign that a writer sees his role as a spokesman for the people (compare: Bruno Schulz's "secretly clasping his reader's hand under the table").

There is a certain inevitability, perhaps, in such writers finding politics. Like many intellectuals of his time, Jasieński was a Marxist. When he found himself expelled from France after the publication of I Burn Paris, the Soviet Union gave him a hero's welcome (a surviving photograph: crowds with banners at the train station, gathered round to greet him). His addresses to the Soviet public maintain the confidence and bluster of his early Futurist manifestoes. That is to say, one has the creeping suspicion that the character of Jasieński the writer (as opposed to Zysman – whoever he was) had not been fundamentally altered, it was only the rhetoric and the vocabulary that had changed. When the purges began in earnest in the 1930s and it became very dangerous to be a public persona, Jasieński had already made a few enemies, and he was soon fighting accusations of being a Polish spy and an enemy of the people. He was arrested on 31 July 1937, and executed on 17 September 1938.

There survive a few of his letters written from captivity directly to Stalin, begging for mercy. In his last letter of many pages, written in self-defense, he lists the shocking tortures he was subjected to (fingernails pulled out, teeth punched out), but just as shockingly, for the first time, we seem to hear Zysman speaking, begging to be allowed to die rather than continue the tortures. Zysman drops all the swagger of his character. And if I am not wholly mistaken, there is a dim recognition of the insanity of having arrived there simply for having played his role - and a confusion at the notion of all this fiction ultimately having such brutal consequences.

Vietnam Veteran vs Romney's 4 Deferments

I had a conversation with a 70+ year old Vietnam veteran a couple of weeks ago. I told him, "Romney can't help it - he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth." He replied, "Silver spoon!!! You mean a silver shovel!!!" While Romney was out protesting in favor of the Vietnam war, this veteran was fighting to stay alive in the jungles of southeast Asia.


Romney on far right protesting in favor of the Vietnam War.



The Plutocrat & The Equestrian

The 400 richest Americans have more wealth than the bottom 150 million of us. I don't have a problem with their wealth - more power to them. I do however take exception to the fact that I pay more in taxes than these fat cats ...

So Romney made 47% remarks at the home of an investor (Mark Leder) who wrecked a company (Friendly's) to shift its pension obligations to the Federal Government. Why are people surprised? Mittens is a wealthy plutocrat married to a known equestrian ...

Mittens took a $77,000 tax deduction on his wife's horse. Alot of people in this country don't make that kind of money in a year, two years, three years, four years ... You get the point I'm trying to make. In case Mittens hadn't thought of it while he was speaking, which is more often than not, retirees paid for their 'entitlements' long ago, long before he was born.

The majority of seniors who I speak to at the call center are so afraid that Romney/Ryan will turn Medicare into a "voucher" program. Can you blame these poor people?

Justice Louis D. Brandeis

Pamela Karlan of Stanford Law School, one of the nation's leading voting-rights litigators, reminded a Washington audience a few years ago of Justice Louis D. Brandeis's famous warning against fear. "Men feared witches and burnt women," Brandeis said in a famous dissent. After Crawford, among the first Indiana voters turned away from the polls was a group of nuns in their 80s and 90s.

"We fear terrorists and disfranchise nuns," Karlan said.

Feeling Better than Ever

It's been 5 months since my last post. My right forearm feels pretty good after my 6th surgery back in May, but I have to be careful with regard to overuse. I'll try to limit my typing, but alot is happening with the upcoming presidential election in November. I'm a volunteer with the Obama campaign. Patience and I canvass door-to-door when my schedule permits. I'm at the call center in Media on Monday and Tuesday nights. The past three weeks I have been going in on Sunday afternoons to make calls. My friends and family ask me, "Arent't you tired?" Sure, I'm tired, but too much is at stake in this election.
We have come too far after 8 disastrous years under a Republican administration to turn back ... President Bush destroyed our economy and our standing in the world. We can't turn back to the same old same old that got us into this mess in the first place. The majority of Americans continue to trust President Obama on the economy because they have finally come to the realization that voodoo economics (trickle-down theory) just doesn't work. We've been there - done that - which led to the worst financial meltdown since the Great Depression. You cannot simultaneously cut taxes and fight two wars without paying for same. It's simple math.

Could things get worse? Yes, under another Republican administration. I wouldn't trust Romney/Ryan with a 10-foot pole when it comes to the economy. I wouldn't trust them on alot of other issues - more on those in another post.