My Baby Boo-Boo

I didn't sleep at all last night. I haven't eaten much ... I made myself a sandwich - to absorb all of the alcohol in my system.

It's not often that I drink but when I do, I binge. Nothing like a stiff drink to calm my nerves. And nothing like a Mad Men mini-drink-a-thon to help me forget my problems. I have to drive John to the airport Tuesday morning (he has to go to Lexington, Kentucky). When I think of Kentucky, the Kentucky Derby comes to mind ... and Kentucky Bourbon. John is always telling me how beautiful it is - maybe some day I will get an opportunity to see it up close.

I am comfortably numb. Alone in my parents' family room with my thoughts. I'm watching a repeat of Mad Men. I'm picking up on some subtleties and innuendos that I missed the first time around.

Gypsy is relaxing on the sofa next to me. I love my cat - I love all animals. I'm going to shift over to the sofa to spend some time with her. Petting her really relaxes me. It's better than alcohol or any other mind-altering drug.

Hey Gypsss - are you a good girl? I love you my Gypsy, my baby boo-boo ... My mom sings this song to Gypsy all the time. I used to sing 'you are my sunshine' to Aiko. To this day, I still miss her.

A little triple John - please ...

Watching Mad Men on AMC (the season premier) - you can't watch Mad Men without a drink in your hand. Enjoying a little triple that John made me (Absolute and club soda). The alcohol has started to take effect.

It's Don Draper's birthday and his wife (Megan) is singing a song to celebrate his 40th birthday party - zou bisou bisou (in french of course). How incredibly campy!!! I can't stop laughing. John and I are remembering the good old days (we drank and smoked at the office). Martini lunches ... This show cracks me up!!!

I can't wait until May 11th - Tim Burton's new movie "Dark Shadows" will be released. Yes, I used to watch the tv show "Dark Shadows" ... I am also a fan of The Twilight Zone. Tim Burton is a genius ... (there is a commercial break from Mad Men and they just showed the trailer to Dark Shadows - I can't stop laughing ...)

I'm on my second little triple ... Just saw a commerical for Captain Morgan. John likes Mojitos - so do I. I can drink a rum & diet coke ... but rum is a little too sweet for me.

Shit happens and people bleed ... Joan has returned to the office on Mad Men after her maternity leave. I love Joan and I love Peggy. Againt all odds, Peggy has managed to become an account executive - a milestone for women back in the sixties.

People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go.

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." - Erma Bombeck

I am thinking of another quote - it's from Friedrich Nietzche ... "If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Another great quote by Nietzsche that fits my mood now - "For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication."

I am highly intoxicated right now ... I can relate to Don Draper and his problems. I didn't fight the battles that he fought - the Korean War, his 'real' family, his 'present' family, etc. but everyday I fight my own battles.

I took care of my pay with regard to my part-time job. If you want me to work for you, I have to be paid in cash ... it's that simple. Everybody wants my help. Who the hell is looking out for me? With the exception of my family, no one ...

It Goes Like It Goes

Downloaded some drawings that I took pictures of with my phone. The two added to this post represent how I am feeling right now. I drew these quite a few years ago, hence the yellow shade ...

Back in the early 90's (went through a period where I would get my hair permed - haven't had that done in ages).

"It Goes Like It Goes" - lyrics to a beautiful song sung by Jennifer Warnes for the movie Norma Rae.

Ain't no miracle bein' born
People doin' it everyday
Ain't no miracle growin' old
People just roll that way

So it goes like it goes and the river flows
And time it rolls right on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

Bless the child of the workin' man
She knows too soon who she is
And bless the hands of a workin' man
He knows his soul is his

So it goes like it goes and the river flows
And time it rolls right on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

Yeh it goes like it goes like the river flows
And time keeps rollin' on
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone

Depression is a signal that one has gotten off track - that your life is not in alignment with your deepest needs, values, interests, etc.

Do you ever get tired of conforming to the expectations of others?

Relationships, Part 0 (a) ...

Joanne, I am going through a very difficult time. I knew when I stopped taking my Effexor it wasn't going to be easy. Today is a very bad day for me. Why? I expressed my disappointment to a friend (I've been keeping it inside for a very long time), and now I feel guilty about it.

You 'know' me - and I would really appreciate your opinion. I have a lot of resentment and I will explain why I feel disappointed.

Relationships are a work in progress. They are all about give and take. With regard to one friendship in particular, I am always giving ... I used the term friendship in my last sentence. Is this a friendship? What defines a friendship?

You sent me a text a couple of days ago, "I don't know Irene but I feel like I'm in a dark hole with no air." I feel like that right now. I am wrestling with my depression and it's very hard. I am doing all that I can not to get 'jammed' because if I get jammed, it will take me to a place mentally where I don't want to be ... I've been there before, and it's very painful.

A friendship is like any other relationship - it requires balance. When there is a lack of balance, this opens the door to resentment and frustration. I have been resentful for a very long time. I kept it inside. I always ask myself 'what motivates people?' (She has a lot on her plate, she's busy, she has a hectic schedule, etc.)

In the past 16 months, the only time, (emphasis added), I have received a call from this friend is when she needed something. I am not keeping score. (i.e., I called you twice, now it's your turn to call me.)

Last night we debated on whether or not she was making a right decision. I expressed my opinion - I believe she is not making the right decision. She told me her reasons for taking the route that she has chosen to take. I have to respect her decision.

I was told I am a very hyper person. Yes, I am very hyper. I totally agreed with that statement. I can't help it, I'm wired differently. I was told that I 'jumped the gun' so to speak ... When that came out, I was disappointed and hurt. This coming from someone who texted me from an attorney's office asking if I would be willing to testify in court ...

The proverb 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' teaches that a real friend is a person who is there for you, helps you when you have a problem, keeps your secrets, shares things with you, bares with all of your defects.

A friend in need is a friend indeed -- there are various interpretations of its meaning.

Is it 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' or 'a friend in need is a friend in deed'?

If it's a friend indeed then I take it to mean someone who helps you when you are in need is a true friend.

If it's a friend in deed then I interpret that as someone who needs your help becomes friendly in order to obtain it.

Only time will tell. Most people will accept the 'indeed' version of this well-known proverb. For me, as it relates to this particular friendship, the 'in deed' version describes the past 16 months. I respect she has a lot on her plate, she's busy, tired, etc. We all have a lot on our plates, we're all busy and tired ... Despite my busy schedule, my depression, etc., I find time to pick up the phone, I text my friends, 'how r u doing? hope u r well ...'

We agreed to disagree. We left it at that.

The only time my parents receive calls are when this friend needs something. The only time my sister receives a call is when this friend needs something. Do you notice a pattern? (Would you believe that I have been reduced to lying to my mother? She periodically asks me, 'does she call you at all? You call her, but does she ever call you to ask how you are doing?') Mothers are full of wisdom and they are very intuitive ... and I think that they have eyes behind their heads - they see EVERYTHING ...

I told my friend, "please do not start texting me or calling me because I have a hard time dealing with phonies." It would be a 'phony' act on her part and EVERYBODY who knows me can appreciate how I feel about people who are pretentious.

I have to ask myself, is there something lost in the translation? In all fairness to her, she thinks in a different language and has to translate her thoughts into English. Is it a cultural thing? A stoic, abrasive, defensive stance ... stoic - unmoved by joy or grief; abrasive - overly aggressive; and, defensive - guarding against threat of criticism ...

While I could appreciate this stance three years ago - a much different time - she was having marital problems and was constantly being knocked down (that will definitely have an affect on your self-esteem), why hold onto to that type of attitude now? You're free ... Does it take time to heal? Sure it does. Does it take time for a person's self-esteem to go from 'low' to 'high' - sure.

I respect myself (and at the present time I am not suffering from low self-esteeem). And because I have a tremendous amount of respect for myself, I need to get out of this 16-month (and counting) responsibility ... My weekends have been put on hold for the past year and a half, and I don't think I can continue putting my life on hold for two more years. As much as I love her son, I don't think I can handle another two years. I have already given enough of myself. And it's not just Saturday nights. My brother-in-law is home on the weekends, my sister is totally spent by the time Fridays come around (her day doesn't end when she leaves work - she has a second shift to get through when she arrives home.) Maria will call me on Fridays, "Irene come over, I made coffee, Georgie and I are waiting for you ..." Why do I go over Friday nights (after a 10-hr shift - the busiest day of the week)? Because I am considerate and I feel for my sister. She's tired ... I can't even begin to mention how many times my poor sister fell asleep before little Georgie did. "Go inside Maria, I'll stay until she gets here." ... "Irene, I feel bad going to bed, I'm tired, are you sure you don't mind." ... Just go to sleep sis - get some rest ...

It's funny - for the first time in a long time (5 years), I have Saturdays and Sundays off. I have to laugh ... I am more tired now then when I worked on the weekends. I'm up until 3:30 am, 4:00 am, etc. - when I finally get home and have 'down time' to myself it takes me an hour or two to shift down.

"We talk and share a few cigarettes when I get home on Saturdays - I figured that's enough time to bring us up to date every week ..."

I thought about that comment all the way home last night. I don't even remember driving to the Wawa. I couldn't tell you how I got there, because I don't remember. I cried on my way home (and I am very disappointed in myself for having cried in her apartment - I broke one of my personal rules - 'never let them see you cry Irene.')

I will end with a quote from one of my favorite playwrights:

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." - Tennessee Williams

(Mr. Williams, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to come back as your typewriter - so that I can absorb your words as they are transferred from your brilliant mind to paper.) My life is definitely what I make it; with regard to the friends I choose ... I have chosen to distance myself from someone who I care very much about (more than they can ever imagine). If I didn't care, I wouldn't have babysat her son on Fridays and Saturdays. When someone hurts me, I put a wall up and walk away. It's not the first time that a friend has let me down ...

Relationships, Part 0 (zero) ...

Relationships, Part 0 ... nothing. The old adage, 'you get what you give' just doesn't hold true for me tonight. Who is to blame for that? Me ... stupid me ...

"A relationship is a two-way street, not a highway and a bike path ..." - Unknown

Why is it that the best quotes are written anonymously?

It's a two-way street with no stop signs or red lights. Every so often there's a head-on collision.

After 16 months, I was involved in an accident, only it didn't happen on a two-way street ...

I got dumped on (blamed) for bringing 'changes' to someone's attention. The irony is that quite a few people noticed these changes (behaviors that were out of the ordinary); but, as is the case more often than not, "it's your fault Irene."

Self-esteem issues? You have self-esteem issues?

Try being me and then talk to me about self-esteem. Put yourself in my shoes just for ONE day and then tell me "Whatever you do, please do not go back to medication, you are stronger than that ..."

Yes, I'm a big girl ... but appearances can be deceiving. Big girls cry too. They bleed just like everybody else.

I am too tired and upset to think straight ...

The sign above says "caution drive slow" ... Slow? Tonight I came to a complete stop. Months and months of resentment and hurt just came pouring out ...

I only hope that my sister doesn't receive any phone calls or text messages. Maria and I have a very special bond - only identical twins can relate to what I'm talking about. She is not just my sister - she is my 'other half' ... If her phone starts ringing (all of a sudden), Maria will know right away that I 'said' something.

I just need to get through this phase and see where the road goes. If the road takes me to a dead-end, then it was meant to be. As mentioned in a prior post, our lives were charted for us the day that we were born - we are meant to meet the people that we meet ...

I don't know why I thought today was the 23rd - it's actually the 25th. March 25th - Greek Independence Day ...

Oxi!!!

Little George, Part II

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I stopped taking my Effexor.

A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it. - Jonathan Davis

I had a very stressful day and I'm trying not to think about it. I'm watching Billy Liar on TCM with Tom Courtenay and Julie Christie. Christie won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in this movie - what were they thinking? She should have won for her role as Lara in Dr. Zhivago. It was the Academy's way of making up for their mistake. It's pretty funny, but I'm having a hard time focusing on the movie.

I can't sleep. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled at the same time - jammed ... I'm trying really hard not to stay 'stuck' but it's very difficult.

In the past three months little George’s emotional state has changed. He's not the same happy-go-lucky little boy that he was a few months ago.

December 3, 2011, was the first time George told me he did not want to go to his father’s house. I was playing with George with his train set. He turned to me and said, "Irene, I don’t want to go to Daddy’s house." I asked him, "don’t you want to see your sister Melina?" He replied, "I don’t want to go to Daddy’s house" and began to cry. I picked him up and gave him a hug and told him, "Okay baby, I’ll tell mommy you don’t want to go." As I do every Saturday, I got George ready for bed. As I read him a bedtime story, he again told me, "Irene, I don’t want to go to daddy’s house" and began to cry again. I told him not to worry, it was getting late, and it was time for him to go to sleep. After he fell asleep, I sent Julia a text message, 'what is going on w/George?'

I understand there is a fine line between a child’s imagination and reality. I also understand that a three year old may find it difficult to verbally communicate any harm inflicted on them.

During the past three months George cries when it’s time to go to bed. I have to lay down next to him until he falls asleep and reassure him that I am there, not to be afraid. He lays very close to me and has to hold my arm until he falls asleep (something that he never did in the past). He covers his head with the blanket very tightly which scares me - 'can he breath?' I ask myself. Once he falls asleep, I pull the blanket down from his head. He is afraid of the dark (something that he never was afraid of before). He has an increased need for affection. He would tell me, "I love you Irene" in the past, but lately this increased need borders on 'clinging' ... He literally clings to me. Out of the blue, he will come up to me and say, "I love you Irene" - it just doesn't feel right to me. When I use the bathroom I have to tell him, "George, Irene will be right out – give me a minute honey – Irene has to use the bathroom." (He waits for me outside the door – something he never did before.) There is a marked change in his vocabulary. He uses the word 'stupid' (he never used the word stupid before). I actually witnessed him calling Julia stupid and she told him it’s not a nice word for little boys to use. (I do not know how he learned this word – I can only assume that he hears it being used, or someone calls him stupid.) Another troubling change is his need to repeatedly apologize for trivial things (i.e., he spilled his macaroni and cheese and kept apologizing to me, "I’m sorry Irene, I didn’t mean to spill my macaroni and cheese, etc.") I explained to George, "it was an accident baby, you did not spill your food on purpose, there is no need for you to keep apologizing, it’s okay baby - accidents happen."

I have not noticed any signs of physical abuse (bruising, etc.) but I can't help but wonder if he is being emotionally abused.

My family and I do not mention Nick to George. The only time I mention Nick’s name to George is when he cries and tells me, "I don’t want to go to daddy’s house." I respond, "don’t you want to visit daddy and Melina? Daddy and Melina love you. They miss you very much baby."

On March 1st last year, Nick was arrested for putting mice in two pizza shops - he was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. He was arrested four times between 1988 and 2009 in New Jersey and Florida for burglary, tampering with evidence, aggressive battery and assault. In addition to Nick's criminal background, there are three risk factors that concern me greatly. First, Nick is a single parent which adds to the level of stress he is already under. Second, Nick endured abuse as a child (I was a witness to one very disturbing incident - see prior posts). Third, when he was arrested for planting mice in two pizza shops last year, he stated he 'was on drugs' at the time of the incident.

The years of early childhood are very important. A sense of safety and love are needed and are important to a child’s development. If a child does not feel safe, it can have a damaging affect on the child’s welfare.

Can a three year old child undergo a psychiatric evaluation? If a psychiatric evaluation is performed, can a three year old child suffer emotional and psychological stress as a result of the evaluation? Will George’s needs be evaluated and taken into consideration? Will law-enforcement have to get involved in any investigation? ... This will only add more stress/fear to George’s development as a child.

I only hope that this beautiful little boy does not become damaged beyond repair.

Art helps me - it has gotten me through some tough times in my life.

Little George

I love being around George – all children really. I keep getting recharged every time I am around kids. Little George brings back memories of my sister and I at play, of Manny and Denise when they were his age. George's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement.

"It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood." - Rachel Carson

If I had one wish left in my life, I would ask that the best gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life, as an unfailing antidote against the boredom and disenchantments of later years, the sterile preoccupation with things that are artificial, the alienation from sources of our strength.

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in. George has such an adult in his life - his wonderful mother - Julia. She engages her child, spends a great deal of time with him, and shares his world with him. On her days off she takes him to lakes, museums, parks, playgrounds, beaches, etc. Unfortunately, Nick does not share George's sense of wonder.

I remember my Aunt Helen down at the shore when George would crawl around the house (he was almost a year old). At the time, I thought to myself - here is a child born with a sense of wonder, ready to admire and love what is seen and experienced. Her reaction to George was, "watch now, no, no, don't do that George, no, no, etc." until this extraordinary sense of wonder was reduced to nothing. It struck me as odd - she had a sense of inadequacy. She was so consumed with having a 'clean' house that she missed out on so much joy with regard to her grandchildren. She spent more time with a rag in her hand than interracting with George and Melina. God forbid if Melina left her toys laying around in the living room. I'm not saying, "here kid, here is a can of paint, take it and do what you want with it." I am in no way saying that it's okay for children to destroy their homes. However, a home is meant to be lived in, not something to just admire. A living room is just that - a 'living' room. (Tommy's first wife and his second wife divorced him; Julia left Nick and is in the process of getting a divorce; and, if Lisa had lived, she would have left Nick as well.) Nick will probably take exception to my comment on Lisa, but then again Nick is delusional. He wouldn't recognize the truth if it were staring him in the face. In my prior post, I commented on spirituality and religion. The old adage, 'God works in mysterious ways' comes to mind. I believe Lisa was taken away so soon after she got married for a reason. Lisa did not have the strength to fight Nick and his lies and Nick's dysfunctional parents. She fought the good fight, she battled cancer the last year of her life, but in the end the cancer won. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that our lives were charted for us the day that we were born. We are meant to go through what life has in store for us, we are meant to meet the people that we meet, etc. God (our higher power) bombards us with hardships in an effort to test our strength. Lisa did not have the strength to fight ...

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller

I believe that for the child, and for the parent seeking to guide him, it is not half so important to know as to feel. If facts are the seeds that later produce knowledge and wisdom, then the emotions and the impressions of the senses are the fertile soil in which the seeds must grow. The years of early childhood are the time to prepare the soil. Once the emotions have been aroused - a sense of the beautiful; the excitement of the new and the unknown; a feeling of sympathy, pity, admiration, or love - then we wish for knowledge about the object of our emotional response. Once found, it has lasting meaning. It is more important to pave the way for the child to want to know. To me, a 'sense of wonder' is a centrally important aspect in a child's development.

Too many people have bought the societal message about which the poet, William Wordsworth, alluded to so perceptively many years ago when he wrote:

"The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!"

Most adults get so caught up in the daily grind, life's routine, their work, chores, etc. that they wind up repressing their sense of wonder - the core and meaning of life itself. No wonder so many adults are threatened or annoyed by the spontaneity of young children.

Wonder becomes possible when children can risk being themselves without there being any risk at all.

Oh, how I hope and pray that we may develop, preserve, and enrich a sense of wonder in children of all ages.

Spirituality vs Religion

"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings." – Victor Stenger

As stated in a prior post, I am not an atheist but I have a problem with organized religion. I want to believe that religion is a force for good in this world, but my mind wanders between faith and reason ... I am a very spiritual person. For me, there is a fundamental distinction between spirituality and religion. Devote or agnostic are merely terms to describe the individual's approach to rationalizing and the universe. The nature of spirituality is the act of questioning. In contrast, religions are corporate bodies driven by their need to possess answers. I wonder what the indigenous people of Asia, Africa, South America, Australia and the Middle East, who were tortured and killed to save their souls or the millions who were repressed, tortured and/or killed because of their beliefs or station in life, would say? Today we live in a world where the leaders of one major religion are evangelizing their members to act as human bombs and the leaders of another have been aiding and abetting pedophiles.

Religion has instigated crimes and atrocities. The seed of violence is not religion but fear, dogmaticism and intolerance. Yet religious leaders are many times found indulging in such vices. It has always perplexed me how they affirm so boldly such minute detail about the divine and the afterlife. I suppose that it has more to do with the 'audience' demanding clear answers. A general sense of spirituality, coupled with reverence for some rituals, scriptures and figures, but not taking everything so literally would serve them better.

Many people follow the safety and certainty of a religion, a choice which is as valid as my own. However, I draw the line at any individual or institution which uses faith as a tool to wage war, and repress or prey on those they should protect.

A few months ago, I sent the following message to a few friends: I've begun worshipping the sun (the ancient Greeks had it right). First of all, unlike some other Gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry, and no phonies ... And if its raining, all I have to do is look at my sun tattoo ...

Religious faith moves people to act with extraordinary compassion. In that sense, is religion then a force for good? I don't believe so. If religion is a force for good, and if each of the world's religions spread good words, not all religions can be true because their doctrines are mutually incompatible. Here is just one example that I have a problem with: if Christianity is true, Jesus was devine; if Islam is true, he was not. Can you relate? In other words, both faiths agree that anyone who opens the wrong door here will spend an eternity in hell.

What a person believes about the nature of reality matters. Wherever one finds unjustified beliefs appearing to bring benefit to humanity, it is generally easy to think of a set of justified beliefs that would bring greater benefit still. Staying in touch with reality is useful. Which of the world's faiths can honestly claim to be doing that?

Let's take a look at Christianity. A very strong moral argument against Creation comes from the standard Christian saying "God has created you, so you are his property." (Note the word 'his' ... but more on that later.) If the above implication was logically correct that would only mean that the very Creation is an idea in contradiction with our basic moral intuition that "Might does not make Right" ... because we would owe everything to the Omnipotent on the very basis that he has created us. It could have been stated that he has right over our lives even without taking in slightest consideration any of his other qualities (i.e., the moral ones) except of his infinite Might. The idea of Creation allows thus to deduce infinite Rights from infinite Might (which is morally not allowed). And to call Might goodness, if it is only great enough (infinite)? That'a why I have a hard time with the notion of Creation of persons. It's an unacceptable idea in my world.

The evidence for God the Father's inabilities with humankind is in the first chapter of the Book of Job. Lucifer, God's son, was severely punished in Heaven for an infraction which God caused in the first place. Lucifer was thrown down to earth without his body. God was very angry at him. Yet here, God in the first chapter, pulls a stunt. He actually gives Lucifer permission to go after a saved man and put him through such testing and trial the normal human could not overcome. It is only after Job 'sucks up' to God does God leave him alone. Did Job serve him after that? No. Why? Read the last chapter. It's an eye opener ... Only because of the sacrifices of Jesus Christ do we have a world at all. It's the New Testament which rules. With Christ now on the throne things are better ... Dear reader, have you caught on yet? God always leaves a trail no matter where it leads.

Am I an authority on Religion? No. I am not a Professor of Theology, but I have studied many religions. My only teachers are confessing demons. My classroom is a planet called Earth.

Why do people ignore that which they do not understand? I, on the other hand, fully understand. For example, why does God allow suffering? The fallen angels (the angels who have sinned and fallen back down to earth - I have befriended quite a few) are my teachers and possess an incredible amount of intelligence. Religions view us as ignorant idiots and nothing more.

For nearly two centuries the divide between what is natural, and all the needless misery that entails, and what is good has been growing. I would like to believe that all that is 'good' will prevail.

"When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called religion." Richard Dawkins

Invisible Children / Kony 2012

Many people believe that they don’t have what it takes to make a difference in the world. The truth is, every one of us is put in this world to contribute and make a difference in our own unique way.

INVISIBLE CHILDREN / KONY 2012 IS A GLOBAL MOVEMENT ...

INVISIBLE CHILDREN USES FILM, CREATIVITY AND SOCIAL ACTION TO END THE USE OF CHILD SOLDIERS IN JOSEPH KONY'S REBEL WAR AND RESTORE LRA-AFFECTED COMMUNITIES IN CENTRAL AFRICA TO PEACE AND PROSPERITY.

(Go to www.invisiblechildren.com to see the 1/2 hour video and - if possible - please donate $30, $20, $10, $5 ... whatever you can afford.)

On Monday, Invisible Children released a powerful, half-hour video on the conflict, seeking a half million viewers. By Thursday they had surpassed that goal more than sixty-fold, with well over 30 million viewers. Their viral tag lines: #Kony2012 and #StopKony, along with Uganda and Invisible Children, were top-10 trending topics around the country.

"Where you live shouldn't determine whether you live #KONY2012", the group posted to Twitter Thursday.

For more than two decades Joseph Kony and the LRA have been perpetrating horrific atrocities in remote parts of Central Africa, and nobody has been paying attention.

Barack Obama signed legislation - the Lord's Resistance Army Disarmament and Northern Recovery Act (see photo below). The bill, originally spearheaded by former Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wis.), ended up with the support or sponsorship of 267 members of Congress - more than any other piece of Africa legislation in history. Invisible Children and Resolve activists watched as President Obama signed LRA disarmament bill they had championed …

We have seen your reporting, your websites, your blogs, and your video postcards - you have made the plight of the children visible to us all," Obama said in a statement to the groups that had spearheaded the grassroots advocacy campaign, including Invisible Children.

Last year, Obama ordered a few hundred special forces to Central Africa to assist in the hunt for Kony.

Please donate whatever you can to this wonderful cause - even $5 can help make a difference. If you cannot afford to help out monetarily, please create some flyers (STOP JOSEPH KONY 2012 / HELP THE INVISIBLE CHILDREN) and hang them up, hand them out to people, etc. on April 20, 2012.

"Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity." - Buddha -

Loser Boy, Part II

I find it very relaxing to solve crossword puzzles - I'm a junkie. It's a great way to learn new words. I created a puzzle for entertainment purposes. The title (and theme) of the puzzle is Sounds Familiar.

Nick can't pick up his son tomorrow morning because he is having 'car troubles' ... sound familiar? I will babysit George tomorrow night and Patricia will watch him on Tuesday.

I looked up the word 'loser' in the Merriam Webster Dictionary:


Los·er [loo-zer]
noun
1. a person, team, nation, etc., that loses
2. Informal -
a. a person who has been convicted of a misdemeanor or, especially, a felony
b. a person who has failed at a particular activity: a loser at marriage.
c. someone or something that is marked by consistently or thoroughly bad quality, performance, etc.
3. Slang - a misfit, especially someone who has never or seldom been successful at a job, personal relationship, etc.

Sample Sentence: What a loser!

Then, I looked up the word 'loserboy' in the Urban Dictionary:

Los·er·boy [loo-zer-bo-e]
noun
1. A fellow ATG clan glitcher who's glitch skill level is higher than that of the average glitcher. If you wish to be graced by his presence, go to an ATG game on "Tony Hawk's Underground 1".
2. An extremely good glitcher who is represented by the ATG clan

Sample Sentence: "Woh look at that Loserboy - he is the best glitcher, lets go ask him how he does it."

Ricky's Favorite Magazine

According to those in the know, even on the busy campaign trail, Presidential long shot Rick Santorum still finds time to flip though his favorite magazine:

Newt Gingrich and Paul Ryan are undefinable … so let’s leave it at that.

As for Rick … he is certifiable. If he wants to run for President, he should read the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. He needs to study both instead of his Old Testament. This is a drama that Shakespeare himself could never have thought of ... oh gosh, pardon me - is my higher education showing? This moron often fails to think before he speaks … 'JFK' and 'college is for leftist snobs' diatribes are just two examples of a small mind left to run amok. As I mentioned in a prior post, I hope he sticks around until November spouting an inanity here, and another there, going from state to state proving just how poor a choice he would be to lead our country. Democrats everywhere should consider contributing to Little Ricky’s run for the White House. His behavior is, to date, the strongest argument for birth control!

I’m tired of trying to reassure my relatives abroad that my country is not peopled by misogynists, gay-bashers, home-school fanatics, religious bigots, end-of-day wackos, creationists, and others who seem to be hijacking the Republican nomination process.

The real tragedy here is the bowing-out of Senator Snowe. This is a terrible loss to what's left of rationality in the GOP, but no victory to the Democrats. She has been a voice of reason and respect in these Kafka-esque times. When Senator Snowe decides that enough is enough then we know we are up the creek without a paddle.

What is it with these guys who spend their entire lives running for office, voting themselves lavish pensions, leveraging their 'experience' to lucrative lobbying jobs where they earn millions assisting their fellow parasites in robbing the rest of us blind -- all while lecturing us on our 'dependence,' the dangers of the 'nanny state', blah, blah, blah???

Santorm adds a special level of personal creepiness with his Stepford wife, zombie kids, and his profound and almost alien lack of recognizably human characteristics. We know it in Pennsylvania. Now the rest of you are finding out.

I liken Santorum to the Renaissance-era Dominican friar, Savonarola, who wanted to burn up all the books in public and ended up on a bonfire himself. Too much to hope for a repeat?

According to a PA newspaper, Santorum lived in Virginia as senator from PA. The house in Virginia is valued at $1.4 million. Little Ricky also had a house - a dump - in PA (which he used as his PA residency). In the same paper, he 'homeschooled' his kids. Well I know home schooling and you do not get paid $100,000 which was charged to the PA Department of Education to homeschool his kids in Virginia.

As we watch the Republican Party implode from within during their rancid, raucous, mean-spirited primary battles all I can say is that it couldn't have happened to a more deserving political entity. That entity can only be described as unprincipled, underhanded, and uncivilized in every sense of that word. In my view, they set themselves on the road to perdition when the Bush family allowed that unprincipled operative - Lee Atwater - to devise questionable schemes of political campaign behavior. This monumental error was then compounded with the appearance upon the scene of that meadow muffin named Karl Rove. Then there is the operative Grover Norquist, who has become the icing on the bitter cake of total irresponsibility toward the concept of good governance. The desire to eliminate government has rightly led to the destruction of the Republican Party itself. What goes around comes around …

Those old school Republicans (adios Olympia Snow) - or at least those unhappy few still hanging about - could abandon their cowardly ways and strive to do what they can to return the Party to its pre-Reagan/Bush roots. They might think along the lines of forming a Third Party and seriously begin the trek to a Party of principle with the emphasis upon good citizenship and governance.

Keep talking Ricky!!!

Demi & Ashton

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Split. We never saw it coming.

Like most Americans, we were SHOCKED to learn that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore had filed for divorce! We always thought that they would spend the rest of their lives together ... well, the rest of Demi’s life anyway. (Let’s be honest, Ashton’s gonna outlive her by a decade or three.) Anyway, here’s a look back to 2003, when their love was new and wonderful as if made in heaven, and only the most cynical of cynics were starting to say that their relationship was completely doomed. I was one of those cynics ...

Nike Galaxy Foamposite

The sneaker-freak world is abuzz with news of the release of Nike’s limited-edition "Galaxy" Air Foamposite shoes (yes, I'm not making this up - that is the name of these new sneaks) ... footwear so starry purple, so glow-in-the-dark, and so comically overpriced that people actually camped out for a chance at their own $220 pair. {One guy offered to trade his '96 Chevy Cavalier for a pair.} I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a Chevy Cavalier even if someone were to give it to me for free ...

These sneakers are not ugly - they are 'fugly' (very, very ugly). What might have been discussed while waiting in line?
- "Man, I can’t wait to walk through dog s#!t in these babies!"
- "I only have $110. Anybody wanna go halvsies?"
- "These will be great to wear while I’m waiting in line for the iPad 3!"
- "My wife just texted me – it’s a boy! Anyway … what were you saying about the laces?"
- "I haven’t been this excited about a shoe since the last time Nike told me to be excited about a shoe!"
- "So I said to my mom, 'I’ll look for a job after I get these shoes. Now can I borrow the $220 or not' ..."
- "If you’re interested, I know a guy who can hook you up with some $170 socks!"
- "Excuse me, I have a note from my podiatrist. May I please go to the head of the line?"

S.F.W.

For a lot of people, certain books take on an almost sacred character. They speak to a part of the soul that other books simply have no clue how to reach. We read them over and over ... Think of books like The Great Gatsby, Tropic of Cancer, and Decline & Fall.

S.F.W. by Andrew Wellman is that kind of book for me.

And what is S.F.W.? After all, that isn’t really the title. Wellman never wrote a title. He won a Playboy fiction contest for his short story "The Madison Heights Syndrome." Random House asked him to turn it into a novel and he sent something in. Before he knew it, and before it was finished, they threw on a title and a cover (which is atrocious) and tossed it out into the world back in 1990. They even made a movie with Reese Witherspoon and Stephen Dorff. To date, Wellman hasn’t even seen the movie. Nor after the way S.F.W. was mismanaged has he been able to find a publisher for the subsequent three novels he has written (which are actually pretty good despite a few rough spots).

Imagine Cliff Spab, a young white loser from a low class Detroit suburb. He walks into a convenient store with his best friend for some beer. A terrorist group seizes the store, holds everyone inside hostage, and films what ensues. Inside the store, Cliff and the other hostages pretty much go nuts, drinking all the beer in the store and doing whatever else they can to try to get by while they wait to see what the terrorists will do. Eventually, a showdown occurs:

Joe sat up picked up the last beer, opened it and took a gulp, passed it to Wendy, who did the same before passing it to me. My swallow was medium-sized; I put the can on the floor, not yet empty. We heard the familiar sound of a helicopter overhead. "Fuck it," Joe said quietly. "Next chance I get I’m going to start killing these ..."

Only Cliff and one other hostage escape. Cliff’s best friend dies. Cliff also finds out that the terrorists forced television networks to nationally air the footage of Cliff and the others. For reasons that baffle him and oddly foreshadow the reality television culture we live in today, Cliff finds himself a celebrity. Before he can even get his head together, Cliff is besieged by the media circus that has become all so disturbingly familiar in the modern world. However, that isn’t all there is to the book. As Cliff retreats from the overwhelming absurdity of his position, Wellman moves us backward into Cliff’s life leading up to the fatal moment Cliff and his best friend enter the convenient store. As it turns out, Cliff and everyone around him were pretty much already nuts. Their lives fell apart when his best friend’s older brother, the coolest guy Cliff ever knew, dies in an auto accident.

Monica and I broke up after that. Morrow went off the deep end a few months later. Things never were the same. Scott got divorced in 1985, and I started hanging out with Stacy. I don’t know why I have to tell this part of the story. I’m not trying to brag, and I’m not trying to set the record straight. I guess I’m just saying, this is the way it was. The way things had happened to me by May 2, 1986.

Previous to the hostage crisis, Cliff and everyone else were pretty much just moving forward as best they could, taking good times where they could find them but acknowledging that they were generally doomed in the face of time and the world at large. So, really, horrifying as the hostage experience is for Cliff, it is only shades different from what had already been going on. He knows what is important to him, guards it carefully, and ignores anyone who tries to tell him different. This is Cliff both before the terrorists kill his best friend and after.

Technically, some of this is in the movie. However, the movie twists the tale. It tries to make this a love story and somehow loses what is the most captivating part of the book. Frankly, the movie does a lot that seems shockingly ironic in light of the take on modern life the book seems to put forth, almost like the makers of the movie couldn’t get away from the very same posturing the book criticizes. In any case, the movie doesn’t have what the book does. The movie doesn’t have the soul.

Frankly, even in the book’s unfinished state, there is an incredible melancholy beauty inside. The movie never captures this. Cliff really may not be anybody special when you come right down to it, but the book has the power to take you to what is most real about him. He is a good guy who sees the world as largely pointless crap, but understands that he must still plant his garden. S.F.W. powerfully shows you what really matters to Cliff in a way that makes readers think of what is really important to them. Any summary is going to fall short of the actual experience of reading the book.

S.F.W. is an emotional story that speaks the truth as best it knows it. Feel privileged if you get a chance to share in what that is.

Theo Angelopoulos

I remember seeing "The Beekeeper" (starring Marcello Mastroianni) at the Ritz back in the late 80's. The film left a lasting impression on me. I remember wanting to see more of Angelopoulos' films. I don't watch 'Greek TV' (Antenna, Alpha, etc.), with the exception of ERT (which is like PBS here in the States). I am not feeling well. Tonight an excellent documentary on the life of Theo Angelopoulos on ERT made my migraine/nausea a little less intense. (Nothing like a decent documentary to take your mind off of whatever ails you ...)

Theodoros "Theo" Angelopoulos (Θεόδωρος Αγγελόπουλος) died on January 24th at the age of 76 while shooting the final part of a trilogy – "The Other Sea" – after being struck by an off-duty police officer. Angelopoulos attempted to cross a busy road in Drapetsona (near Piraeus) when he was struck by the motorcyclist. He was rushed to the hospital, but died as a result of his injuries several hours later.

Below is a quote by Martin Scorese about this remarkable filmmaker whose films explored the human condition in general and the condition of modern Greece in particular through haunting imagery rooted in myth and epic:

"Theo Angelopoulos is a masterful filmmaker. He really understands how to control the frame. There are sequences in his work -- the wedding scene in The Suspended Step of the Stork; the rape scene in Landscape in the Mist; or any given scene in The Traveling Players -- where the slightest movement, the slightest change in distance, sends reverberations through the film and through the viewer. The total effect is hypnotic, sweeping, and profoundly emotional. His sense of control is almost otherworldly. - Martin Scorsese –"

He began making films after the 1967 coup that began the Greek military dictatorship. In the 1970's he made a series of political films about modern Greece: "Days of ’36" (1972), "The Traveling Players" (1975), and "The Hunters" (1977). Angelopoulos won numerous awards, including the Palme d'Or, the top prize at the Cannes Film Festival in 1998 for "Eternity and a Day". A rumination on death, it stars Mr. Ganz as a terminally ill writer who journeys in search of answers to vast metaphysical questions.

Possessed of a singular style that has long divided critics, Mr. Angelopoulos was considered one of the most eminent directors of the second half of the 20th century; reviewers have likened his films to those of Michelangelo Antonioni and Akira Kurosawa. He worked with some of the world’s leading actors, among them Marcello Mastroianni, Harvey Keitel, Willem Dafoe, Bruno Ganz and Jeanne Moreau. If Mr. Angelopoulos’s work was not universally known in the States, the explanation could be found in his style, the antithesis of Hollywood studio fare. Seen most often here on the art house circuit, his movies are dreamy, atmospheric and enigmatic. Many are allegories that illuminate the painful history of 20th-century Greece, from its occupation by the Nazis in World War II to its brutal civil war in the late 1940s. Visually evocative, often beautiful, his films contain long sections with little or no dialogue. They are suffused with melancholy symbolism, all of it intensely personal and some of it intensely obscure. They are typically organized around very long takes that can assume the form of wordless meditations on space, as the camera pans slowly across a landscape. What dialogue there is can border on the opaque, at least in English translation. In "Ulysses’ Gaze" (1995), for instance, Mr. Keitel, playing a Greek-American filmmaker on an odyssey in the Balkans in search of lost reels of an early Greek film, utters lines like "Your image, still damp, unchanged since the day I left it, emerges once again from the night."

Some critics adored Mr. Angelopoulos’s films. Others could scarcely abide them. Which side one came down on depended partly on staying power: some of his pictures were three hours long or more.

"Voyage to Cythera" (1984), "The Beekeeper" (1986) and "Landscape in the Mist" (1988), explore the ravages of modern Greece. He directed and co-wrote these three films - {The Trilogy of Silence}. "The Weeping Meadow" (2004), which treats Greek history between the world wars and was the first segment of an unfinished trilogy; and "The Dust of Time" (2008), the trilogy’s second segment, about the fates of refugees from Greece, stars Mr. Dafoe, Mr. Ganz and Irene Jacob. Part 3 of {The Trilogy on Modern Greece} - "The Other Sea" (2012) - was being filmed at the time of Angelopoulos’ death, which dealt with immigration and the crisis in contemporary Greece.

As he explained in interviews, it was the combination of a centuries-old oral tradition and a 20th-century visual medium that let him capture, for better and sometimes for worse, the soul of his homeland.

"I say to myself that I could have made a career anywhere, but I have chosen to speak in the same words that were spoken by so many who preceded me,” Mr. Angelopoulos told The Los Angeles Times in 1999. “Greece is more than a geographical locale to me. It’s a spirit, a culture, and when I’m disgusted with present-day Greece — the loss of spirituality and generosity — I go back to those words said many, many years ago."

It's a shame "The Other Sea" was not finished when Theo's life was cut short unexpectedly. He will always be remembered by those of us who truly loved his movies.

R.I.P. Theo ...